– You might wonder why
we do stuff like this. – We answer these questions
so you don’t have to. – That’s right, it’s time for – [Together] Will it Internally Bleed? – First up, we’ve got good
old-fashioned thumbtacks. – These aren’t your newfangled push pins with the top hats on them,
these are old school. – And, actually from our old school. – These are kind of hard to get down. – It’s got the same texture as– – [Vink] Oh, you’re
bleeding, was that internal? – Brett and Vink are so wacky, can you imagine ever
getting a show like this? – No way. – Can we get a box of tiny
throwing stars in here please? – Maybe in some sort of
alternate universe where, I don’t know, I became friends
with a kid in first grade, – Who then went to the same
high school and college that I did, and we started
making videos together, – That were seen by so many people online that we were somehow able
to quit our normal jobs and make a living doing something like, – Eating animal testicles, in that universe, sure, but of course, – In this universe, none of
that stuff ever happens, so no. I could never imagine having a show, or a friend, like that. – Yeah, you don’t have
much of an imagination. – So does that answer your question? – I asked if you could sign
for your daily food delivery. – Right. – And, if it wouldn’t
be too much of a bother, would it be weird if I felt
your impossibly silky pajamas? – Yes.
– Yes, it’d weird, or yes, I can? So soft, like an angel’s chest hair. (disco-style theme music) – Vanessa, how long’s it
been since our last break? – Six hours. – Wow, time flies when
you’re doing something so numbing to the senses. I love this job. – I wish I had your perspective, can’t say I enjoy spending 16 hours a day packing styrofoam peanuts into boxes to protect other styrofoam peanuts. – Well, I just don’t want to be that guy that wakes up one day to
realize that he’s lived his entire life in a rut. I want to enjoy my rut while I’m in it. – Speaking of ruts, we
have been best friends for 10 years, I think it’s time we took our relationship to the next level. – You mean like best friends forever? – When two colleagues have synergy, they come to realize, or one of them comes to realize that– – Big news everybody, we’re modernizing the plant. So I would like you all to meet, Roberto. – Hello friends, I am here
to make your lives easier, at first. – Me Link. – Scanning for head wound,
none found, perplexing. – Roberto here is going to
be freeing up a lot of time for all of you, especially you Link. – How’s that? – By re-, placing you, you’re fired. – I’m fired? But I’m your best employee, I always do exactly as I’m told. – Get out.
– Yes sir. – Now you might be wondering Link, how the heck am I gonna pay the rent? – Well right after you said that, the thought did pop into my head. – Well, I called your
landlord, you’ve been evicted, all of your stuff is in that wagon. (upbeat funk music) – Meal number 5-2-2-8-A,
Inside Out sloppy joe. First off, it’s got
questionable structure. Eww, it’s a little sloppy, but
I guess they did warn me. (doorbell rings) – [Ignatius] This is a
landlord’s notification of entry. – Come in Ignatius. – [Ignatius] I take it by
saying come in Ignatius, tenant is providing landlord with consent to enter premises.
– Yes. – [Ignatius] By saying yes, tenant is providing affirmation. – What’s up Ignatius? – Greetings Rhett. The landlord is here to inform tenant, heretofore referred to
as Rhett, of the pending rent increase of $200. – $200?
– Hate to do it, but those upgrades you insist
on are starting to add up. – So now we’re calling a
walk-in wine cellar an upgrade? Okay, I can get the money. – Good, and remember
Section 23, Paragraph Z, Tenant, Rhett, is prohibited
from adding a roommate. – What makes you think I want a roommate? – Why else would a grown-ass
man have a bunk bed? – Well because the top
bunk provides a buffer for the ceiling fan, allowing me to enjoy the benefits of circulated air without the uncomfortable
sensation of being blown on. – Okay, so explain the
sidecar to your motorcycle. – It’s for balance. – And the two-man luge? – I’m a long man. – The seesaw in the front yard? – Tenant is considering
exercising his right to revoke access to the premises. (laughing) – Remember, no roommate. – Right, no roommate. Wanted, roommate. Must enjoy motorcycle
sidecars, two-man luge, – And see-sawing, $200 a month. (doorbell rings) – Hi, you must be Link. – And you’re Rhett. (peaceful, epic music) – Sorry. Hey, Anton. No, the place isn’t taken
yet, it’s all yours man. Hold on a second. I’m sorry, this guy is like super cool. I’m not sure how to end this conversation, so I’m just gonna shut the door. (snaps fingers) – That worked. – As soon as I get your
deposit, you can move right in. – Aren’t these for dead people? – That’s the beauty of it,
this one’s never been lived in. – I feel like that’s a little misleading. – It’s actually very cutting edge. You’ve heard of the tiny house movement. – Yeah.
– This is even tinier. – Well if I got this
place, I’d be set for life. – Comes with a free toe tag. – To my new roommate, Anton Laqua. – LeCroix.
– It’s not Laqua? – I will change it for you. – To my new roommate Anton Laqua, and the adventures we shall share. – Never have two such
two such fascinating men complemented each other so equally. (laughing) (upbeat jazz music) (laughing) – Voila. I present to you the HMS Bounty. – Magnificent, and totally worth every minute of the past six hours. Man, I’m exhausted, time to hit the hay. – Not me, my new friend, it’s
time for me to go to work. – I’ve been meaning to ask you, what do you do for a living? – I am a train engineer. – Well don’t fall asleep at the wheel. – Don’t worry, there is no wheel. It’s more like a joystick. – [Female Reporter] This
catastrophic derailment was caused by the train
engineer falling asleep at the wheel. Correction, I am just
getting the word that he fell asleep at the joystick. – Sorry buddy, you gotta get out. Gotta make room for all the dead bodies from the train crash. – Oh, that’s horrible. – Eh, it’s not so bad, the train was actually just
transporting the dead bodies. – Oh, that makes me feel better. – It shouldn’t, they were all killed in a previous train crash. – Well now I feel worse. – I wouldn’t feel too bad, they were all Death Row inmates. – Well that’s a relief. – Whoa, whoa, whoa. Way to make assumptions
Mr. Moral High Ground. Every single one of
those men was exonerated by DNA evidence, they
were on their way home for a celebratory party. – Now I’m gonna throw up. – Don’t waste your vomit. There’s also evidence suggesting that they were bribing the judge– – Can we just leave it at that? – I didn’t even want to talk
about it in the first place. All I’m saying is you
gotta get out of here. Take a sheet with you. – [Female Reporter]
Engineer Anton LeCroix’s last words were, don’t
grieve for me world, tonight I’ll be slaying Satan,
then bedding Marilyn Monroe. – Hey, it’s Link right? Have I got some great news for you. (doorbell rings) – Hey roomie.
– Hey. – Come on in and make yourself at home, and allow me to introduce you
to your new accommodations. (peaceful jazz music) 72.164 degrees, the optimal temperature for when the naked human body is enveloped in medium-fine to fine-fine silk. – Oh, is that what that is? – No, this is charmeuse. I also wear chiffon and chenille, and I make no ex-sheptions. – Shorry.
– Shure. Notice the twisted fibers of
polyhexamethylene adipamide, the most comfortable
surface ever engineered for the underside of the human foot. Naturally, we need to keep it pristine. – Can I walk on it? – Sure, as long as your feet, socks, or shoes don’t touch it. And now for the piece de resistance, perfectly calibrated, vertically
oriented slumber pods. – Bunk beds. – Wanna try it? How’s that? – I’m definitely feeling the breeze, but it might be a little close. – Well that’s the optimal location for superior ventilation for me, but I’m confident that with
practice you’ll be able to– – Ooh! – Keep practicing. I generally wake up at 10:02,
shower from 10:04 to 10:26, immerse myself in a sound
bath from 10:29 to 11:05, then rub cocoa butter all over
my body from 11:07 to 11:28, then precisely at 11:30, on time as always, thank you Dylan. My life’s work. I’m a professional
tastetician for a prominent multi-national food conglomerate. Every day I critique new edible creations, then send my findings
to a team of scientists who use the data to refine the dishes for maximum deliciousness. You heard of the Carl’s Jr.
duck duck goose sandwich? I added the second duck. – So every day you eat something
you’ve never had before. – Yeah.
– Sounds like a nightmare. – Huh?
– Yeah, I hate trying new things. – Man, trying new things
is what life is all about. What scarred you as a child?
– Asparagus. When I was 10 years old,
my mother made me try it. I was reluctant, because
I have a strict policy against eating plants. I’m still haunted by
the gruesome aftermath. (coughing) – Oh, ohhh! Ah, ohhh, owwww! – [Link] The tip of the asparagus spear punctured my uncle’s eardrum, ending his twin careers
as a stereo technician and a professional one-legged balancer. From that day forward, I never
tasted anything new again. – You’ve missed out on so much. If anybody needs to study the teachings of Kenneth Kenneth, it’s you. – Kenneth who? – Kenneth Kenneth.
(sitar music) He was a man, though I hesitate
to call him just a man, who taught the six seals of satisfaction. It’s a philosophy which
promotes personal fulfillment through self-pampering, my
father was an early disciple. – Son, the most important
thing in life is to be happy. And Nutmeg, she makes me happy. So I am leaving you and your mother to be with Nutmeg and our unborn son, who, knock on wood, will be
better than you in every way. But, I do love you, and I want you to have
these Kenneth Kenneth tapes, so you can be happy, too. Let’s go mama. (smack) – That is the saddest
thing I’ve ever heard. – I think you’re missing
the point, I’m the son that got the tapes.
(sitar plays) Fricken tender, also fricken savory. – You talk that way to
the food scientists? – No, this soup has fricken in it, it’s genetically combined
frog and chicken. – Well I’m fricken
frustrated, this job search is going nowhere. – What kind of job you looking for? – Oh you know, something totally
repetitive and predictable. Supermarket cashier, toll
taker, parking lot attendant. – Yeah, those jobs have largely
been replaced by machines. – Huh? What about the guy who takes photos of people driving through red lights? Or the guy with the
woman’s voice that says, the number you’re trying to
reach has been disconnected. Or the little guy who hides
inside the giant metal box and hands you the sodas. – Uh, machine, machine, soda machine. – Dang, robots are
taking all the good jobs. – Yeah, pretty soon,
we’ll be working for them. – Really?
– Well, people with exceptional talents like me will be the confidants of our robot overlords. More average people like
yourself will spend their days in hamster wheels helping to power the cybertronic society
we all helped create. What would be really
cool is if you could get a job killing robots. I got some on my fricken pants. – Things are spiraling out of control. I lost my job, I’m living with
this guy who’s super weird and super tall, people
are gonna think I’m short, I’m six foot. – That’s really terrible. – You have no idea how grateful I am for our Tuesday afternoon chess matches, where we eat plain turkey sandwiches with whatever this exotic white spread is. – That’s mayonnaise. There’s something I’ve been
meaning to talk to you about. I found a new chess partner. – What?
– Yes, chess, a strategy board game with 64 squares in an eight-by-eight square grid, played by two, and only two, players. – Roberto? – Well it started off innocently enough, we were talking, and, to be honest, he’s more in touch with
his emotions than you are. – Wow, I don’t even know how
I should feel about that. Now I know how I should
feel about that, bad. – Hey.
– Hey. – These are my night silks,
in case you were wondering if they were my day silks. They’ve got rubber pellets
on the back to keep me from sliding off of my satin sheets. – Cool. – Hey, before you go to sleep, I’d like to invite you to
cap off your day with me in the fashion that I always do, with some night chocolate. – Night chocolate? – Yeah, it’s the same
kind that Marie Antoinette had put on her pillow every night. Legend has it that one of these fell out of her windpipe when her
head landed in the basket. (sniffs)
– I’ll pass, thanks. – No, listen, this is an unparalleled confectionary delight that
lay people don’t often have a chance to experience. Just take a bite and let
me lead you through it. – Okay. (classical music) Just gotta open it up first, mmhmmm. (sniff)
– Taste that initial bitterness, that’s the 96% cacao. – Mmm, big bite. – Now hold on for the 4% not cacao. – Uh huh. Oh yeah. – Now work it to the back of your tongue. – Yes.
– That titillation you’re feeling, that’s the cocoa butter made from the milk of the
women who picked the beans. – Oh yeah, tasting that. Fabulous. Can you turn on the fan? – You’re fired. – I found a new chess partner. – Roberto. – He’s just much more in touch with his emotions than you are. – What would be really
cool is if you could get a job killing robots. (alarm) – Oh Roberto, you’re such a ham. This little lady needs
to drain her hydraulics. – Time to get my life back. (peaceful music) – Good morning Link. He refused the night chocolate. – [Link’s Voice] Rhett,
you’re gonna have to rent the room again, I’m off to
the styrofoam peanut factory to kill a robot and get my old life back. Don’t even think about stopping me, but if you do, it’s the
styrofoam peanut factory on Third, not the one on Wabash. I do highly recommend taking the tour of the one on Wabash, however, they have an amazing operation,
but that’s not the one where I’ll be murdering a
robot, just so you know. – Well hello there Roberto. (engine starts) How are things since you took my job, and my best friend, and
everything else in my life. – Thank you for asking Link. Things have been running at full capacity. – Die you soulless metal job stealer. – Alert, alert, feeling pain. – You can’t feel pain, you’re a robot. – I am recently updated with emotional and physical pain receptors. – You were?
– So much pain. – I didn’t know.
– I trusted you Link, experiencing betrayal,
sadness, so much pain. – What have I done? – Link, will I go to heaven? – I’m sorry Roberto,
heaven is just for humans, and for dogs. I’m a monster! I am a monster. Well hello there Roberto. – Hello Link. – Initiating self-defense sequence, three, two, one.
– Uh oh. (dramatic, pounding music) – Roberto, what are you doing? – I am inflicting blunt force
trauma to neutralize threat. – [Link] Threat neutralized,
threat neutralized. – Stop!
– Launching death blow. – No! Rhett. – You didn’t eat your night chocolate. (soft electronic music) – What’s night chocolate? (upbeat disco music) – Thanks for saving my life. – Sure.
– Cool sidecar. – Yeah, it’s actually the first time I’ve ever had anyone in it. – Sorry I didn’t eat your night chocolate, it’s just really not my kind of thing. – I get it, if everybody
has super refined tastes like me, there wouldn’t be
anything special about it. ♪ I like chocolate so dark,
it’s almost evil to eat ♪ ♪ I like cheese so sharp,
it’ll make your mouth bleed ♪ ♪ Sophisticated food
is what I’m all about ♪ ♪ I don’t mind it if a fish decides ♪ ♪ To lay its eggs in my mouth ♪ ♪ 30% cacao is the limit for me ♪ ♪ And I’m an American man,
so I like American cheese ♪ ♪ I eat my fish in stick form ♪ ♪ And my chicken is nuggets ♪ ♪ And I prefer it when my sticks ♪ ♪ And nuggets are never touching ♪ ♪ Smooth jazz is too
smooth for my disposition ♪ ♪ I like my jazz to be
confusing and dissonant ♪ ♪ My favorite literary genre
is French-Canadian manga ♪ ♪ And my favorite films are
audio-only silent melodramas ♪ ♪ Top 40 jams are what I like to hear ♪ ♪ You go to top 41 and
things start to get weird ♪ ♪ I don’t watch movies
not starring Tom Hanks ♪ ♪ But I’ll take a chance if
it’s directed by Michael Bay ♪ ♪ I like what I like,
’cause I like what I like ♪ ♪ And I like liking the things that I do ♪ ♪ And I don’t mind that
I don’t like liking ♪ ♪ The same exact things as you ♪ ♪ Extremely abstract art
is what I like to collect ♪ ♪ That’s just fingerprints ♪ ♪ From people who don’t
know they’re artists yet ♪ ♪ Well I too have a deep
appreciation for art ♪ ♪ I’m particularly partial to
posters of dogs playing cards ♪ ♪ I like moleskins, hummus,
Pilates, and Ted Talks ♪ ♪ I like Thomas Kincaid, cake
walks, and sidewalk chalk ♪ ♪ I like driving motorcycles
’cause I get to change gears ♪ ♪ I like riding on the side
’cause I like to not steer ♪ ♪ I like what I like
cause I like what I like ♪ ♪ And I like liking the things that I do ♪ ♪ And I don’t mind that
I don’t like liking ♪ ♪ The same exact things ♪ ♪ ‘Cause I like what I like,
’cause I like what I like ♪ ♪ And I like liking the things that I do ♪ ♪ And I don’t mind that
I don’t like liking ♪ ♪ The same exact things as you ♪ – Night Rhett. – Night Link. I’ll just be down here
enjoying my night chocolate, while you do whatever it is that you do to make yourself feel good
before you go to sleep. – Uh. (dramatic, ominous music) (“I Like What I Like” instrumental)