The Masked Loiterer


WLZN Action News The best news team from coast to coast, you guys. For those of you who called about our last segment, The Corgi did survive the jet ski incident. And now to our top story. A possible break in the ongoing scandal that has held this town in the grip of fear and terror: Has the masked loiterer finally been identified? Jean? It appears today that we may finally get an answer. We go live to the press conference at
the county courthouse, where City Manager Tarry Mills is about to reveal new information on the masked menace. Loiter Watch! I’m standing on the steps of the County Courthouse, waiting for City Manager Tarry Mills to take the podium. As we wait for the announcement, let us take a look back at the unknown menace and how he’s held this peaceful town in the grip of terror. In early February, what most people shrugged off as a man stopping to check his phone turned out to be the first offence of the serial loiterer. Those sweaty butt cheeks pressin’ up against my window and that stupid mask are driving away valuable customers! I put up those tack strips. You know, the ones they use for the pidgeons? But the son of a ***** just moves to the pole across from my entrance. But again, he was just getting started. In mid-May, the town demanded answers. We want nothing more than to bring this masked freak to justice and have him stand trial for his horrific crimes. I think he’s just a guy who’s misunderstood. You know, somebody who’s just trying to find his place in the world. In August, a camera crew rolled into town to film a documentary on our now-infamous serial loiterer. I’m just on patrol, rolling through some of the Loiterer’s hot spots to see if we can catch this sick ******* in the act. Loiterer! [Screeching tires] There’s the loiterer! Mr. Mills! Did you see him? See who? The loiterer! He just came this way! No, I must have just missed him! We’re gonna catch him. And when I do, you can’t imagine the hell he’s gonna pay. Once again this slippery slacker has left us in the dust. But it’s only a matter of time before he gets slips up. It’s the nature of serial criminals, sooner or later they slip up. It’s almost as if they want to get caught. Look. A smudge. That’s fifty eight thousand tax dollars down the drain. How am I supposed to retire when all of my pension money is going to pay for the damage caused by that monster? And so today, we all wait anxiously to hear the latest news on the worst crime spree this town has ever seen. He’s taking the podium now. Thank you, everyone, for coming out today on such short notice. I am your city manager, Tarry Mills, and I’ve called you here because the Loiterer wants to turn himself in. [Cheers] But I’d first like to remind you that even though he has broken several city ordinances and loitered quite a few times, he’s not a monster. So I- Show yourself, you filthy pig! I am the masked loiterer. I know how you all must feel. But try to understand, I don’t have a family of my own. Probably should have seen this one coming. I loiter so I can watch all you beautiful people make this city the wonderful place that it is Ms. Del, I only stand out in front of your shop because your fresh baked goods make the whole street smell like heaven. Can’t you see? the only crime I’m guilty of is caring too much. and, in the end, can we truly call that a crime? Burn him at the stake! [Angry yelling] Well, it certainly is nice to see a happy ending in a world full of sex and violence. Alright, let’s light him up! Hey! Someone’s burning leaves in a residential area! [Panicked yelling] Anybody!! [Sobbing] Hello? Anyone? Oh, god!

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