Polyamorous Communities | SharpLeft


What is love? Is it butterflies in your stomach?
Is it putting your feet up and watching re-runs of 90210 with your spouse of thirty years?
Is it a continual flood of oxytocin released in your hypothalamus? Is it security? It is
trust? And is more, always better? Art thou a naive, pinkle? Do You Think The Invisible
Man Gets Lonely? For the past four years I was in a polyamorous relationship. Two years
into our relationship we moved in together, and my partner very quickly became completely
immersed in a local polyamorous community. A community that’s made up of only straight
and bisexual people, with maybe one single exception. Fast forward about ten months,
and we’re having some issues in our relationship, mostly it’s me complaining that I don’t
get to spend much time with them anymore, because when they’re not working they’re
either out doing group things with this poly community, or spending time with individual
people from the community. After a few months of this relationship tension, my partner declared
that it is actually now a priority of theirs that I integrate myself into their community.
They tell me it is in fact, integral to our relationship that I become friends with their
friends. Because I was invested in that relationship I said “yeah! Of course.” They seemed
so happy in their new community, so why not? But as I spent more time in those group spaces,
I began to feel like very few people in that polyamorous community were interested in spending
time with me, even just in a friend kind of way. They didn’t seem to want to get to
know me, or hang out with me… Looking back now, why do you think that was? I wasn’t
“fuckable”. Oh Jules, hun, don’t be so hard on yourself.
You’re a babe. I’m sure plenty of people want you. Maybe you just need to put yourself
out there more. There are good folks in this community. The men are so woke, and there
are plenty of bisexual women and non-binary people too. It’s a great space.Oh no you
don’t! I put myself out there. If I put myself any more out there I’d be topless
on Treasure Mountain covered in glitter and tulle singing Our Lady of the Underground
with Dorothy Easton. My ex’s continual insinuations that I wasn’t trying hard enough, or I wasn’t
giving the community a chance, began to encroach into gaslighting territory. There was one
bisexual person that I actually thought I was having a connection with, but after I
was the one who organized our first hang out, and then our second, and our third, and our
fourth, and our fifth, I started to feel like they were only agreeing to hang out with me
when they had nothing better to do. I haven’t spoken to them in six months now, because
when I don’t initiate conversation they don’t talk to me. It didn’t feel like
a mutual friendship at all. But y’know what, since leaving your community I’ve made plenty
of friends, yes even a couple of straight men, without “trying harder,” without
“pushing myself to be more out there”. It just happened naturally, and I did it by
just being myself. Because I’ve finally found people who have other priorities than
spending all their time with folks they want to date or fuck.
Woah, you know what. I’m just thinking about my life right now, and my community is my
whole life, y’know. And when I think about it actually, yeah you’re right; in true
polyamorous community fashion, I have been consistently scheduling my calendar, like,
a month or so in advance and a solid 85% of that time is spent with people I’m fucking
or I want to fuck. And while you’re doing that, so is everybody else in your community.
And that remaining 15% of time isn’t going to necessarily be dedicate to platonic friendships,
you’ve got your hobbies, and the art that you’re making, a house to clean, relatives
to visit. And since I just happen to not date straight people, or men of any sexuality,
there are no lesbians in your community, and I guess I also happened to not be compatible
with the one or two bi folks who might have also been attracted to me, that meant that
I was spending that 85% of my spare time with nobody, and that was after my ex had told
me that I was going to integrate into their community. They always hung that responsibility
on me. But it takes two to friendship, y’know. I wanted so badly to have friends, but people
there didn’t seem to want that from me. And that loneliness, my continually being
rebuffed, was framed by my ex as my fault. A lack of conviction or effort on my part.
Because their community was so “kind and loving and woke”, it couldn’t possibly
have anything to do with them! It wasn’t a coincidence that when I was occasionally
able to make time to hang out with folks one-on-one, they booked me three or four weeks in advance.
Whereas my bisexual ex, managed to book one-on-one hang-outs and dates two or three days in advance.
And the fact that they were naive enough to think that their abundant social capital had
no effect on our vastly different experiences in that community, boggles my mind. When I
finally had the awareness to approach my spouse and say: “Hey. I think I might be too gay
for your friends.” They bristled and snapped at me: “Are you calling my friends homophobic?!?”
Yes I am, dear mother! Things got bad. Really really bad. I was so taken aback, I just let
them change the subject. I just believed them that their friends weren’t homophobic, and
I never questioned them about it again. For most of 2018, I was suicidal. By July
that year I had finally realized how serious it was, and I took two weeks off work to check
myself in to an IOP program; an intensive group counseling program typically reserved
for people who have already attempted to take their own life, but after a phone call with
the facilitators of the program, they believed I was a candidate. That was over a year ago.
Now, I have a decent life, I experience joy more than I experience despair, I look forward
to things, I get excited about events and people. And I like myself. No.. I love myself!
And I am so glad I made it through that, because things got really scary. I had convinced myself
that what my spouse had said was true, and their community was woke, and wasn’t at
all homophobic. But I still couldn’t make any friends in that community, so then the
problem must be me. There must be something fundamentally wrong with who I am as a person,
and that’s why no one wanted to hang out with me and really commit the time to foster
a friendship with me. And that’s when my mental health went to shit. Communities aren’t
just built on constant group interaction, there needs to also be personal social relations,
one-on-one time between people within a community to really build those deeper bonds, and I
was never given access to that, I was never invited to hang out with one-on-one with anybody
other than my wife, of course. Even you and I have never hung out one-on-one socially,
and you’re the only person from there I still talk to. We’re hanging out now, aren’t
we? No! You’re here to make this video. The moment I turn the camera off you’ll
be leaving. Yeah I do have a date at 3. There’s so much unexamined privilege, that’s mostly
just left unexamined. And even when someone occasionally does talk about it, nothing is
then done to make that space better for minorities. In that space, social capital is sexual capital.
Sexual capital is social capital. They’re one-and-the-same. So people who happen to
not be as fuckable, because of their sexuality or whatever, end up with no social capital
either. i.e with no friends. So do you want to continue to be polyamorous? Well, yeah.
I’d like to know why? And also what would that look like for you? I’m polyamorous.
But I don’t ever want to be part of a community that’s built on that particular identity.
Especially one that’s mostly straight and bi folks. It just amplifies the worst aspects
of straight culture- Who has social capital, who is excluded from community friendships,
and therefore community support. I had enough kids at school straight-up avoid talking to
me on the playground because my mum was a lesbian, I don’t need that shit as an adult
too. I just want to be a person, who happens to date one or two or maybe three people,
but who also has platonic friends that I deeply value and love. If you could say anything
to your ex right now, what would it be? If there were no repercussions, if you never
had to talk to them again afterwards, what would you say? You homophobic selfish gas-lighting
elitist BUG! You said that you were scared you’d loose your ‘gay card’ if we broke
up, like I was just some trophy for your sexuality, well I damn well hope you did! You’re not
qualified to date lesbians or gay nonbinary people. Your community is a god-awful place
to be gay, and you had to wait ’til someone inside your community told you that before
you believed it? It really is a fucking cult then, huh. Where the comfort of the people
inside your group is more important than the life of your own spouse, more important than
your own family!? Well fuck you! … Do you feel better? No. Love may be infinite. But
time is not. Plenty of anthropological evidence points to pre-historical humans as tending
towards non-monogamous social structures. In fact 93% of global societies have had some
recorded form of socially sanctioned non-monogamy, and many of these societies were matrilineal,
which is to say the family was structured around the mother, and women were often the
heads of households. This was true of most societies up until about 15000 years ago,
that means the matriarchal nonmonogamous community structure made up about 95% of human
history to date. Why the pervasiveness of monogamy came about is a bit of a chicken,
and and egg, and a third thing, situation. But the general consensus seems to be that
monogamy grew out of a scarcity mentality, hand-in-hand with the idea of private property.
The advent of farming and agriculture is likely when the concept of private property arose.
Wealth accumulation began, where people would store more food and clothes and tools than
they needed. Since some tribes had more land and cattle than others, a clear class division
began to form along the lines of this wealth, and warring over land began. Originally this
wealth was still passed down through the matrilineal line. At some point along this timeline, societies
became patriarchal. Now an obvious effect of nonmonogamy, is that it’s far more difficult
to determine who a child’s father is, than who their mother is. So men in non-monogamous
communities would either pitch in to help raise all of the communities’ children,
or they would sometimes help raise the children of their sisters instead. Now that men were
positioned as heads of the household, they needed a way to ensure their offspring would
inherit their wealth. The only way of being sure of this, was to introduce monogamy. Although
plenty of societies still allowed men to be non-monogamous. It was really the monogamy
of women that was enforced. But hold, so the idea of monogamy came about because of wealth
hoarding, land wars, and the patriarchy!? Any ethically non-monogamous community must
be a really lovely and wholesome place to be, then, right?
It’s important to remember that we do still live in a 21st century capitalist world, which
is starkly different from the way our hunter gatherer ancestors lived. For example, a typical
American worker will spend about 42.5 hours at work each week, compare that to the average
hunter-gatherer spending only about 15 hours per/week working. Modern time restraints are
a new source of pressure that hunter gatherer tribes just didn’t have to deal with. Love
Scarcity is a myth that polyamorists love to debunk, but they’re now faced with a
very real Time Scarcity that historical analysis cannot help them with. It’s just absolutely
reckless to imply that we can do non-monogamy the same way our predecessors did and end
up with an equal and egalitarian community, without also allowing for present day context.
I’m surprised then, really, that this video managed to turn out quite this long. When
really the main thesis really is: While love may be infinite, time is not, and people’s
energy is not -Unless you’re that fucking energizer bunny… Or a furby.
Why wont you die!? And if you have a community where most of the people are straight, and
their values and priorities are to spend most of their time with people they want to sleep
with, then the people who fall outside of their attractions will obviously have less
social capital, and therefore less social connection, and less community. It’s not
rocket science it’s basic mathematics. Transparency and Self-awareness. Here’s the thing you
might be thinking now, “Well how can we make the community more accessible to lesbians
and gay folks?” And I think the answer is, you can’t. You can’t dictate what someone
does with their free time. And that wasn’t my problem. My problem is, that no one was
talking about it, and when I tried to bring up feeling isolated and alone in that space
I was shut down. But the straight people there don’t have time to hang out with lesbians
or gay folks, ’cause we’re not fuckable. Yes there are some bi women and nonbinary
people, but most of you are spending most of your time dating men. I honestly do find
it a little bit easier to connect with men. There’s a social script that we’ve been
fed our whole lives, which means I know how to flirt with them, I know how to read their
interest and responses. I know the steps of the dance, and which ones I’m expected to
take and which ones he is. I do feel a little bit, lost, when I’m interested in a woman
or nonbinary person. I haven’t been taught or told or shown how that romantic pursuit
can look like outside of a heteronormative context. So yeah, sometimes it does feel like
I have to put in more work to strike up a romantic connection with a woman or non-binary
person. For a social group to actually be kind and open and accepting to people outside
the group, it- that is the group itself, and by extension people within the group- need
to actively work to make the space or community welcoming and open. Simply “not-doing-shitty-things”
does not an ally make. Surprise! You actually do need to talk about group dynamics, talk
to people outside the group about their experience, talk to people inside the group about the
feedback you get, and discuss what you would like the out-group relations to look like.
Not every group needs to be open to all people, but then be real about it! It’s not that
difficult. Look around you. Who is here, and more importantly, who is not, here? My problem
isn’t with people’s value structures, I’m not trying to shut that down. If your life
goal is to sleep with a lot of people, or date a lot of people, then more power to you!
My frustration is at the defensiveness and ignorance about that phenomenon. I’m just
asking people to be honest about it. If you stand there and say, “Alright I will be
real about it: I don’t have time to be friends with gay people.” Now if that makes you
feel awful saying that, then you have two solutions. One, is just be comfortable with
it. That’s your chosen lifestyle, that’s what you’re doing with your life, so just
own it. “I don’t have time to be friends with gay people”, doesn’t mean you hate
us, doesn’t mean you’re voting against our rights, it’s much better for us that
you just let us know, straight off the bat. Because then we know not to attempt a friendship
with you. But there are plenty of people I’m not friends with that I also don’t hate,
right, they’re just people in the world. That’s perfectly alright. Or, if saying
“I don’t have time to be friends with gay people” feels awful to you, and you
can’t make peace with that, then start fucking having time to be friends with gay people.
You can’t just not say it, and make it go away. Not saying it doesn’t make it not
true any more. And you might get defensive and tell me that that’s wrong. See, I had
friends before I moved to the United States, and I’ve made more friends since I left
your community. I never changed my approach to making friends, but nothing I tried seem
to work in your polyamorous community. And meeting up with the friends I have now and
spending time with them, has taken me far less effort than trying to make friends in
your space. So if you don’t have time to be friends with gay people then don’t deny
it and pretend it’s not true, because that’s far far more hurtful than just being honest
about it. And if someone tells you that’s homophobic, you can tell them that I gave
you permission to say that, and then link them this video. Also Kat Blaque has some
great videos on her experience as a black person in polyamorous spaces, so go check
her out. I’ve been talking about my experience in one particular polyamorous community in
the bay area, but I’ve visited and spoken to people from polyamorous communities in
New Zealand, Boston, New York, and LA, and they’re all so similar that I could be talking
about any one of them and this would all still be relevant. What about Polyamorous Discrimination?
In 2018, the journalist and polyamorist, Miles Klee, wrote a delightfully scathing article
titled “THE SELF-CRUCIFIXION OF THE PERSECUTED POLYAMORIST”. In it he argues that, aside
from the one clearly important issue of child custody, most polyamorous people who paint
their polyamory as an oppressed identity are exaggerating and overacting, looking for victimhood
where there exists only mild stigma. He writes about accounts from LGBTIQA polyamorists who
told him that, in contrast to the threats, harassment, and violence they dealt with in
revealing their LGBTIQA identity, the response to their poly status was fairly negligible.
In a spicy take on the people in his own community, he reflects: “Perhaps it’s inevitable,
though, that some people who subscribe to the notion of their polyamory as a special,
select and enlightened movement — and bear the social burdens of no other minority
status — will seize any chance to play up the potential cost of their romantic philosophy.”
He closes off the article off on a more upbeat but still grounded note: “My hope is that
poly people can assert their dignity and happiness without pretending that polyamory obviates
the privilege that comes with whiteness, maleness, cisgender status or heterosexuality. Because
when they leap from sex-positive, open-minded allyship to describing polyamory as an essentialist
and structurally oppressed orientation, they undermine their vision, insult truly vulnerable
minorities and collapse the fluidity of all human desire. In the broader perspective,
the Western world’s position on polyamory isn’t hostile, it’s indifferent — although
maybe a bit curious, too. If you’re poly, all you need to do to alter negative perceptions
of the lifestyle is live it well. The rest should take care of itself.” What I wish
had happened for me, because you really can’t force people to be friends with others, and
one can’t dictate what folks do with their free time, is I just wish someone had told
me the moment I first set foot in that space over two years ago: Hey, the vast majority
of folks here are straight or bisexual, and are highly invested in connecting with people
who they find sexually attractive, and since you don’t mesh with that heteronormative
value system, you’re not going to make many connections here and you’re not going to
feel valued or desired. So don’t even bother trying, it’ll save you so much pain if you
as a gay person just avoid this group altogether. If you try and integrate with us, the lack
of desire by so many in this community to connect with folks outside of their specific
sexual attraction parameters is going to result in you feeling hella excluded and isolated,
and that’s going to fuck with your self esteem so badly. Especially when you see all
the straight and bi people there being so desired and welcomed, and then they’ll talk
about how loving and accepting (they feel) the community is. And that’ll make you feel
even worse for being excluded. So just don’t get involved. Just do not even try. There
is an amazing community waiting for you out there where you have inherent value and people
will want to get to know you and spend time with you and connect with you, despite not
being sexually compatible. You will find your space, and it’s absolutely not here in this
Poly community. Wow that sounded absolutely sarcastic, but
I’m seeerioouus! Someone telling me that wouldn’t saved me a hell of a lot of pain.
Here’s the thing, I don’t have a problem with these poly communities’ values, I have
a problem with how oblivious folks within these communities are about the way their
values affect others. If you’re a straight or bi person in one of these communities;
interrogate yourself. Interrogate the hell out of yourself. Do you only pursue connections
with people you read as fuckable or dateable? That’s fine if you do, but be honest about
it. And don’t preach your community to gay folks as the discrimination-free utopia you
experience it to be, because it is highly unlikely we’ll experience it in that same
way. Understand that your experience of your community is not and cannot be everyone else’s
experience. I’m not sure I’m comfortable with you posting this video. Because it makes
your community look bad? Or because it makes you look bad? I wanted to kill myself. Because
I was thoroughly convinced of my own worthlessness. There is nothing I want to say to those people…
Except that it’s not up to you if this story gets told, because this is not your story
to tell. It’s mine. This video is for the gays and the lesbians, and the people of color,
and the trans folks, who might find themselves in the same situation I did, in a community
that doesn’t value them, in a community that makes them feel isolated and alone. This
video is for you. You are valuable. You deserve love, you deserve safety, and you deserve
to have people in your life who love and value you. And it is your right to seek that out,
if you’re not getting that from the place you’re in now, you are absolutely allowed
to leave that space, and seek that somewhere else. That doesn’t make you a bad person,
it makes you fantastic. There are people out there who are right for you, socially, platonically,
romantically, intimately. And sometimes, as minorities, we have to look a little further,
and search a little longer, and that sucks. But you will find your community. You are
stronger than you know, you got this. I believe in you. The Trevor Project LGBTIQA suicide
prevention call center is available 24/7 at 1-866-488-7386 I need to make this very clear
to the viewers: I do not want you going after my ex. I do not want to see you talking shit
about them in the comments sections. I do not want to hear about them getting dogpiled
or berated. I have forgiven them, and that experience and that pain has been mine to
process, not yours. It’s not your place to get angry or indignant on my behalf, and
that was not the point of this video. There aren’t “good people and bad people”.
It’s not that black and white. My ex spouse has done some amazing trans activism. And
I can never forget how much of an incredible rock they were for me when my dad passed away.
They’ve also done a lot of shitty things. People are complex. Like onions, or Shrek.
But I think there’s an erroneous concept that’s floated in the LGBTIQA community,
that bisexual and transgender people are “more oppressed” than lesbians and gay men. And
that’s just not true. There are so many other factors and variables, and it differs
on a case by case basis. I’ve met enough homophobic bisexuals, and racist transgender
people, to know that being a part of a minority does not exclude you from enacting hurtful
views or behaviors. And that’s a good thing to keep in mind, actually, because it allows
us all to acknowledge that we don’t know everything, and that we all have space to
learn and grow. I was beginning to feel like I was crazy until that one person posted publicly
about only scheduling time with people they found fuckable, and then my ex finally began
to believe me that I had been trying my damn hardest to integrate myself into their polyamorous
community, and it wasn’t my fault that I couldn’t. I wanted to be loved and supported
there. I wanted to make friends there. That person who posted about their truth, gave
me a gift; validation about my experience. I don’t think polyamorous communities are
inherently bad, but I think they’re often very exclusive. I don’t think that majority
straight and bi poly communities will ever be an inviting space for lesbians and gay
people, and I don’t need them to be. What I do need, is for them to be open about it.
It doesn’t make them bad people, it means they have priorities that don’t align with
mine, and that’s fine. But be real about that, y’know. I have so much more respect
for people who say “Hey, I don’t think I can spend time with you, because it doesn’t
fit in with my life,” than people who say they can then don’t, or who just ghost me
altogether. Have you ever been a part of a polyamorous community? Have you seen or experienced
what I experienced? Leave your comments in the comments section. This video has been
over a year in the making, and has been both terrifying and healing for me. My hope is that you watching have gotten some value from this too.

23 thoughts on “Polyamorous Communities | SharpLeft

  1. this is already so uncannily accurate. i definitely relate as someone who is a nonbinary lesbian and definitely not conventionally attractive to straight standards.

  2. This video is really well made and important. Thank you for sharing your experiences. As an aroace nonbinary person who is trying to figure out what it means for me to be polyamorous or a relationship anarchist, this is really good information to have. It is frustrating to me when people place one type of relationship over all others and neglect other relationships.

  3. My experience had nothing to do with polyamory but I guess there are some things abusive relationships have in common cos this hit me right in the feels. My ex was also not a “bad person” but they systematically destroyed my self worth anyway without meaning to.

    I find it fascinating the concept that in poly spaces attractiveness to others is inherently equal to social worth. It’s obvious when it’s pointed out, but not something I would have considered before.

    I am just starting to dip my toe into the poly world and having this insight on the way in seems like a very useful thing indeed.

  4. "Love is infinite but time is not" is basically my biggest gripe about the increased popularity with polyamory. I made sure to to figure out how many romantic partners I could realistically keep while also being a student, worker, and friend.

  5. I actually feel a similar way but I'm bisexual/pan. Honestly right now there's too much in this video from you to address entirely. I have homework to do. Lol. But I honestly felt excluded because I didn't want to do the polyamorous brand of bisexuality and I think Kat black actually tapped on this bit in her video. I think the polyamorous community can be really exploitative of bisexuality and almost objectifying. It felt like I wasn't bisexual for me but I would have been bi sexual for my male partner. I felt pressured to be with a people's they deemed attractive meanwhile they could have sex with anyone and if I said anything I was a bad polyamorous bisexual. I ended up leaving the poly community pretty quickly really because my life goal has never been to have a big poly family ordered basically serve the wants of partner's. My goal in life has always been to have a career in the fashion industry. But the strangest thing is that the friendship I've formed in the pursuit of capitalism in the fashion industry feel less exploitative of my bisexuality then the relationships I formed in the poly community. I'm sorry you were brought to that point, I have to admit it really affected my self worth but definitely know when you're level. I'm glad you're in a better place. Also I'm sorry if anything is missspeld or awkward to read I'm using speech to text because I'm visually impaired. I'm going to go do that homework I talked about now.

  6. I haven't finished the video yet, I'm 12 minutes and have to go somewhere, but I wanted to comment before I forget: this is a very well made, thought provoking, visually pleasing, emotionally impactful video. Thank you for your vulnerability and strength in sharing such a personal experience

  7. Oh wow. This video really made me think about community as a concept and what living in a hetronormative has meant for me.
    I'm queer and polyam but haven't had the opportunity to find an in-person community around that yet. I am finding some queer spaces online but I have been pondering where to invest my time and if I need to be involved in community for each and every part of my identity. This has certainly made me consider that polyam communities might not be for me, a lot because I would simply be looking for friendship, support, people who 'get' it.
    You really floored me with the part about finding it difficult to flirt with women. I dont date men but have always always been worse than useless at flirting with people who aren't men. I've come to realise this is common among queer folks but I hadn't considered it could be partly because I learned and have been taught through society how to flirt with men, etc. I do find it easier, I know how it goes, maybe the difficulty isn't that I'm bad at it, it's just I haven't had the teaching or practice.
    This was such a powerful video.

  8. I'm so happy this exists, all of my feelings about the community have been articulated, my polyamory has become more healthy and my friendships have become deeper since I stopped viewing my life through a sexualized/heteronormative lens
    Also not being in a space where I'm being hit on all the time as a bi femme who's not attracted to cis/straight men (the only men I'm comfortable and happy dating are queer men) has done wonders for my self esteem, this is opposite sides of the spectrum from your experience, but being pursued by people expecting heterosexual dynamics from me made me feel worthless and like my boundaries weren't being respected

  9. This resonates so much with my experience as a queer non-binary person not deemed attractive by cis/heteronormative standards in the kink community (which also had a lot of crossover with a mostly straight polyamorous community). I am now involved in an lgbtq+ polyam community and it is much more inclusive (in many ways) but I do still notice how people mostly prioritize spending time with the people they are dating/sleeping with/interested in. I get that time is super limited but it does make me a little sad that platonic relationships aren't valued in the same way. How to address this issue in our polyam communities? I'm not sure. Excellent video. Thank you for sharing.

  10. This is a gosh darned masterpiece. I am a young, trans, and poly and my interactions have only been with people who were previously monogamous. As I move into my twenties this video is something to keep in mind as I am looking for like minded communities and how I interact with the people in them. Thank you.

  11. Thank you. This really resonates with my experience being a minority in a very different "woke" theatre community. I spent all my social energy in one community, and after a while I forget that other people exist, and it feels like I am only worth as much as these people think I am. Getting out and finding people who love me just as I am, without the endless work I had to do for no benefit, was like resurfacing when I didn't know I was underwater. The gaslighting really makes it so much worse; I believed that these people are really the best people out there and they're doing their best. Sure there aren't any other non-binary people or that many queer people or any other kind of minorirty, but we're just So Open Minded!! Don't you dare doubt our Good Intentions. If you don't help us be better how will we ever improve?? Don't you want the world to be a better place for people like you? And also who else will love you? I really really wish someone had told me that they don't care actually, and not to try, instead of pretending to care and extracting endless labour from me that changed NOTHING.

    I've since started doing a different hobby with a community that is overwhelmingly white (sigh). But now I know 1. the lack of x group is always a red flag regardless how the community may explain it away, 2. you need multiple friend groups, and to remember that other people exist, and 3. my partner who is white and who got me into it immediately and unquestioningly believed me when I said I felt like people might be treating me a bit different, even though these are his favourite people in the world and even though I'm not that sure myself.

  12. I’m so sorry you had to go through that Bode, and I’m very glad to hear you’re doing better now. This video is very thought-provoking and I’m excited to see what you’ll create in the future. Also, I think this video is worth advertising on Twitter (though I don’t blame you for not wanting to get wrapped up in trans/breadtube twitter right now).

  13. Gosh, Im happy I don't hang around in LGBTQWERTY circles. What a shitshow it became with all these labels. Sorry to hear you're still stuck in it.

  14. Thank you so much for this video. I've been watching your videos for a while and this one seems to be far more open and vulnerable than others. That must have been hard.

    I don't have experience in straight/bi polyam communities, but I've orbited around several queer polyam communities. I've experienced that feeling of not being a priority because I am not dating people in the group, and it does hurt. Friendship can in many ways be more intimate and honest than romantic relationships.

    I'm currently hovering around one polycule of about 10 people who are basically a family, and it's been a joy getting to know them. Their polyamory is goals for me. I am someone who philosophically appreciates the values of polyamory but am still working through the insecurity and jealousy that my anxious attachment style brings up, which makes any romantic relationship difficult for me. Witnessing them loving each other, prioritizing communication and boundaries, while also leaving room for friends to become family friends that they are not dating, like me, is wonderful, and I hope to find something like that someday.

    I'm sorry you went through such a rough spot and I'm glad you got help. I'm a nonbinary person and I've found your channel to be the most relatable out of all the nonbinary folks I've found on here. Thanks for sharing and for being here.

  15. Wow, what I got from this video is that you weren't "fuckable" enough for that polyamorous community because you're gay and that, as a polyamorous asexual person, makes me fucking terrified. I've always thought that, since I don't want sex to be a part of any relationship that I'm in, I could turn to polyamory and have my partner/s satisfy their sexual needs with their other partners. Now I'm learning even that will not be an option. I already thought I was gonna die alone for being asexual and people not wanting to date me because of that, now I see I was right. That's just great. If it's relevant at all, I'm also a very butch, masculine presenting not-really-male-passing non binary person who's mostly interested in men but you can imagine based on my description how often men are interested in me, even without me mentioning I'm asexual.

  16. This video really made me feel a lot better. I’m feeling disconnected in another way, that I have no tribe at all. I think this has made me realise I’m searching in the wrong way. I’m making friends with people who are only seeking through fuckability, even not under that strictly expressed pretense but when I think about it that’s all it is.

    Today I’m feeling like there is something wrong with me, and I’m definitely suicidal. I woke up crying because I feel so isolated.

    But this video has given me the strength to get out of bed, and do what I need to do. I need to change where I’m seeking friendship, and I need to seek out help again.

    Thank you Bodee.

    – From an old friend in Australia

  17. Okay well I guess I'm not going to try polyamory as an nb ace after all then. Thanks for the heads up 🙂

    This video is beautifully made by the way. I do not understand how it only has so few views.

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