In Love With A Car


T L C The Learning Channel… Are you being educated kids? This is like a renaissance for me I love TLC. I’ve been looking at these videos forever and I feel like now, I just- I’ve got the energy I’ve got the fortitude I’ve got the will to push through to enjoy these TLC videos to their maximum capacity. So today, I bring you a very special love story about a man named nathANiel and his car “Chase.” “My name’s NathANiel, and I’m in love with my car.” *acoustic guitar plays* Nathaniel: My name’s Nathaniel, I’m 27 years old Nathaniel: And I’m in a serious relationship with my car *creepy, back country, rapey, incesty, banjo* 💋 I love what they do with the music in this show. They’re definitely not doing this guy any favors. It’s like, “Hey, I’m Nathaniel, just havin’ fun, livin’ my life!” Then it gets all creepy banjo, like, back country, rapey, incesty song, you know what I mean? “a n d I f u c k m y c a r” D*mn! Help the guy out, it’s already creepy! He doesn’t need the weird, creepy banjo, man. That’s not gonna help him. Help the guy out! Keep the cheery music going. 💋 💋 💋 Nathaniel: Mornin’, baby 💋 Nathaniel: Handsome man. That is a shocking cut, I have to say. That is… That is shocking. It’s hard not to play the creepy back country incest banjo. God damn! Get a fuckin’ room, dawg! What, you just fuck your car out in public like that? That’s lewd. WHAT’S HE DOING UNDER THAT HOOD, DUDE!? I’m getting a little turned on right now. Nathaniel: Mornin’, baby. Nathaniel: My handsome man. Narrator: Nathaniel is in a committed relationship with a car that he’s named “Chase.” Chase, ya little flirt! Ya sexy beast! You grabbed a good one, Chase. You really bagged a good one. Good for you, Chase. Narrator: He met Chase in a resale lot about five years ago. 💋 Nathaniel: (whispers) Love you baby. Nathaniel: It was love at first sight. His body, and then his interior… and everything just together just seemed to fit. I just felt an instant connection. I gotta tell you, Nathaniel, I don’t want to be offensive, some people might be offended by this, but I feel like I just have to say it… Not that attractive of a car. Maybe I’d stick it in once and then never drive it again, but that’s it. I would hit it and quit it. If I were you, I wouldn’t settle down for that, Nathaniel. But God damn, if he is this attracted to this car, what happens when he, like, passes a McLaren or like, a Ferrari on the street? (I don’t wanna know) Does he just whip his d*ck out and, like… Like a drive-by, like, d*ck rubbing? You know what I mean? He just whips it out and he’s like *metaphorical drive-by d*ck rubbing* Hee hee hee! (Physco laugh) This guy should start a car wash company. I think he’d be killer at that. Nathaniel: We have a favorite song, it’s uhh… Can’t Fight this Feeling by REO Speedwagon. Nathaniel: The favorite date would be going to the lookout area. Nathaniel: Just lean against him a little and just be with him, mainly. Nathaniel: Love you. 💋 Narrator: But Nathaniel’s relationship with Chase goes beyond dates and presents. Nathaniel: We have our times when we get sexual. *terrifying music* “Does that feel good?” F*ck! Those, like, horrific stings they play, like that creepy violin; *sounds from the pits of hecc* Nathaniel: Does that feel good? Handsome man. Whoo… ‘Does that feel good?’ They’re like, ‘Okay, now this is the part where you get sexual with the car. What we wanna do is set you up with really creepy lighting and we’re gonna pipe in some really terrifying sound effects, okay? So go ahead now. This is gonna be really creepy. So play into that.’ He’s like, ‘That sounds fair. That sounds like a good depiction for me. I’m really glad I did this.’ “Handsome man.” 💋 Nathaniel: Love you baby. Nathaniel: What we do most often is I like to lean over his fender and across his hood, and uh… 💋 Nathaniel: Do little things like that, and uh… *thirsty cat sounds* Nathaniel: and kind of press up against him and just rub up against him like that This guy’s like, ‘you know what? The world is finally gonna understand me. I’m gonna come out, I’m proud, I’m in love, I wanna tell the whole world.’ Meanwhile, the producers are like ‘Creepy sound effects! Creepy lighting! Portray this guy as a f*cking menace to society!’ Look, it’s The Learning Channel. We come here to be entertained, not educated! *terrifying music and wet kissy noises* …god d*mn… Nathaniel: One of his more bold positions is for me to be underneath him.( close your eyes kiddos) There’s something about that bumper kiss, man! He’s under there! He’s working the gears and sh*t! Nathaniel: He really likes that. It’s very special to make love to Chase. I’m not gonna lie, I do miss Hila. It’s been a long time, Hila’s been gone several days now and I gotta say…(Ethan stop) Chase is looking better and better! God, I’d kill to get that into fifth gear! *gear shifting noise* *engine revving noise* Friend: I am worried for my friend because it’s not normal, and he may have people that don’t understand and make fun of you. Narrator: Nathaniel’s so attached to Chase, he rarely lets anyone else drive him. Wait… ‘Him?’ This guy’s been gay the whole time? That’s twisted. You can f*ck all the cars you want, but homosexuality is a sin against God. That’s blasphemy. I’m sending you to Jesus Camp to fix your homosexuality so that you can grow up, be good in God’s eyes, and f*ck a female car. Damn it, Nathaniel! I feel like he actually comes from a really religious part of the country. Is this like, -uh- the weirdest way ever of trying to come out to his really religious parents? ‘I am f*cking a car…’ “What?” You lessen the blow, right? You’re like, ‘whoa, whoa, hold on, you’re f*cking a car?’ ‘And I’m gay also.’ So that kind of slips through the cracks, and then maybe in a month you can start sucking d*ck and everyone’s like; ‘Well, at least he’s not f*cking a car anymore.’ It’s kind of genius. * Sad music plays* Nathaniel: If something were to happen to Chase, my heart would just stop. Nathaniel: I just have to gather myself here, I’m sorry. Nathaniel: I guess the reason I don’t tell a lot of people is because I don’t know the response I’m gonna get. Nathaniel: I always worry about that little bit of disgust that somebody may have. Right, the main reason he doesn’t talk about it is because he’s worried about how people would react. So he figured a good way to come out about it would be to make a video with TLC for seven million people so literally everyone in the world could see it through the lens of “The Learning Channel” who plays creepy music every time he kisses his car’s wheel. *music from full metal jacket’s soap beating scene* Nathaniel: Does that feel good? I love you baby. This, to me, is probably the best way to come out. Very well executed there, NathANiel. *murmurs* I’m NathANiel. Narrator: But Nathaniel’s biggest fear is how his relationship could effect his career as a customer service technician. Nathaniel: I mean, if everyone found out I’d be worried it may affect my job. ‘If everybody found it would affect…’ You’re on the-You’re on TLC! Why are you doing a documentary? Keep that sh*t to yourself, I think! Oof! I feel bad for this guy. I’m sure everybody he knows has seen this now. F* ck! That’s brutal, dude. Nathaniel: But Iove him to death. I wouldn’t trade him for the world. Nathaniel: Night, Baby. 💋 “Love you.” 💋 Does he really love the car if he doesn’t sleep in it? Lovers sleep together. I don’t know if I’m taking this guy seriously. Is he f*cking other cars? Is he attracted to humans? Papa Nathaniel: Nathaniel asked me to come up here. Basically, he had something he wanted to tell me. This is, like, straight out of, uhh… King of the Hill. ‘Dammit, NathANiel! What is wrong wit dat boy?’ Papa Nathaniel: I don’t know exactly what it’s about, but I’d like to know what’s goin’ on on his life. Nathaniel: There’s something pretty important I want to talk to you about. Papa Nathaniel: Alright Nathaniel: I’m, uhh… I’m just gonna come out and say it, I guess. Nathaniel: I’m in an intimate relationship with Chase. Uhm… sexually and emotionally. Papa Nathaniel: You’re in an intimate relationship with… your car? Nathaniel: Yes. Papa Nathaniel: ??? Nathaniel: (To his car) Does that feel good? You handsome man… Whoo-hoo-hoo! Man! Now this is television! TLC knows how to bring it. You know this was their idea, too They’re like; “Look, that was interesting, that was cool, but if we’re gonna put this out and pay you, we’re gonna need to spice things up a little bit. I’m gonna have to get your estranged father out here for you to tell him on screen.” He’s like, “nah I don’t really want to do that.” “Nathaniel… We’re The Learning Channel. We do everything we can in the pursuit of learning and knowledge. We need your dad out here to confront him on television now or how are people suppose to learn otherwise? By the way, look at how his dad is touching that car. Damn! Is that sexual? Like, do you see that? Do you usually… Have you ever hol-held a car like that? Like… Oooooo-woooo! Papa Nathaniel: You’re in an intimate relationship with… your car? Nathaniel: Yes. Papa Nathaniel: And sexually with your car? Nathaniel: Yes. Papa Nathaniel: Your car? Nathaniel: Yes. Meanwhile, his dad’s like… *Kill Bill sting* “You’ve driven me in your car several times…” “You know that jizz is covering every inch of this car…” *Kill Bill sting* God d*mn it, Nathaniel… Nathaniel, you have a responsibility. You cannot let somebody come and sit in that car and not disclose that you’re in an intimate, loving relationship with that car. That ain’t right. Papa Nathaniel: How does… I don’t… How does that work? How can you have sex with a car? Nathaniel: Mainly, it’s just… a lot of… just rubbing up against him. Papa Nathaniel: Okay… Umm… Nathaniel: It involves masturbating as well. “Thanks for the detail, son. Good to know that you masturbate in this car.” Just out of nowhere. “It includes masturbating as well, Dad.” “Alright, son, well… nice to see ya. See ya again in five years.” Papa Nathaniel: Help me out *forced laugh* When did– I mean, this started… Nathaniel: Uhh, it mainly started when I was younger. I just didn’t have a lot of friends. “Dad, I had no friends, and so therefore, obviously, I started f*cking my car.” “Pretty direct correlation. You know how it is. You have no friends, you f*ck a car.” “You know how it is.” Nathaniel: I started having those feelings more and more after I hit puberty, and it just became more and more serious after that as far as the sexual side and the emotional side. Papa Nathaniel: Don’t get me wrong, I mean, I like my motorcycle, you know, and I like my cars, you know, but I mean…
I-I-They’re cars, to me. Papa Nathaniel: They’re not a sexual… object, I guess, as you see them, right? Nathaniel: Uh-huh. Papa Nathaniel: Was it because I wasn’t really around? Nathaniel: We just couldn’t spend a lot of time… Papa Nathaniel: Well, I mean… Nathaniel: We all had to stay with Mom pretty much all the time. Papa Nathaniel: Right, I moved away, and I wasn’t really around you. Nathaniel: I’m not blaming you for that. Papa Nathaniel: I know it has something to do with it, I mean, I feel like it has part to do with it. Not all, but part, because I wasn’t around, wasn’t there for you… Papa Nathaniel: I wish I could have been there for you and your sister more. Nathaniel: I understand D*mn, that turned into, like, a really beautiful, tender moment between father and son. I have to say, he took that with grace and understanding. That was… I’m kind of touched, like, d*mn. I wasn’t ready for that tender, beautiful moment. By the way, you know he jizzed in that bucket of soapy water he’s washing the car in? That’s the secret ingredient with the soapy water. A little *spitting noise* Know what I mean? Gives it that great little perfect shine. Ooh! Papa Nathaniel: When me and his mother divorced, umm, the town that we were in just… There was not a lot of work, so the only way was to move off. Papa Nathaniel: But… you know, I wish we could get closer. I wish there was more time. It seems like there’s a long time that goes between visits. Papa Nathaniel: Hopefully, we can get on a little bit closer relationship and I can… try to figure this out. Whoo! That was a wild ride.I gotta say, there was lots of ups, lots of downs, an emotional, touching moment there at the end And you know, I goof on Nathaniel a bit. The guy did make a documentary for TLC to “come out of the garage,” as they say. I say stick your d*ck up that tailpipe, boy! Ride it all the way to Valhalla, man! Ahhh! Mmmmm! Hila! I just saved a bunch of money on honey! Hila: How do you save money on honey with honey? I’ll show you. Honey is a free browser extension that automatically finds the best coupons on the web so you always get the best price on everything you buy online! It does this by searching the web for every code for the website and finding the best one that saves you the most money and applying it automatically. I love honey almost as much as I love my car! and that’s a lot! I bought sheets for JacksFilm’s wedding and saved 359 bucks! In this case, it used code “SPRING” without us having to do anything. (don’t tell Jack, he thinks I paid 600 dollars for it) Click the link below to add Honey to your browser for FREE Or go to joinhoney.com/h3h3 It’s free, takes just two clicks to install, and it’s going to save you money! Hila: What— What the f*ck? Hila, honey makes everything better! Prove it to the sponsor that honey makes everything better, Hila. *fighting back tears* *retching* Hila: Why back in here? And thank you guys for watching! Papa bless! *outro music*

100 thoughts on “In Love With A Car

  1. Im over 3 minutes in, and no gay jokes about the car being a guy? Shame on you ethan.
    Edit: Took you 5 minutes…

  2. A Car is supposed to be a way to have sex with girls in high school or collage not fall in love with the car GET a fucking woman and stick it in her might be surprised how good it is!!!!

  3. Not even a good car either. Looks like a Ford. Is it a base model Mustang or Taurus or something? Because its not sold in my country

  4. Am I the only one who is only upset over the fact that he decided to label it a "him" maybe the car doesn't identify as such

  5. Is it wrong im more more disturbed by the fact hes in a gay relationship with a fella named chase. Then i am by the fact chase is a car lmmfao

  6. THAT's how you do it when you don't have friends… hmmm I should have done that instead of getting a girlfriend

  7. I'm glad he's happy. But I don't think he should have told anyone else. And probably shouldn't have told his Dad. And almost certainly shouldn't have told 7 million people via a TV show.

  8. Ntbw but when I was in elementary school there was a kid who said he’d “married” his moms car named Betsy

  9. Ntbw but when I was in elementary school there was a kid who said he’d “married” his moms car named Betsy.

  10. DUDE I know wxactly where this guy is!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OUACHITA MOUNTAINS IN ARKANSAS i used to live on that over pass hahahah

  11. yea, so it isn't enough that he is in a "relationship with his car", but he is also gay and doesn't know how to admit it.

  12. For some reason I feel he's taking advantage of the car. What if the car doesn't want to be in this relationship? It can't say anything.

  13. So a funeral for Chase would be a demolition lot. The person who got into a fender-bender with him would be a murderer in this dudes eyes. The 'life insurance' would just be the pay out received by this dude from his auto insurance.

    If someone were to key Chase would this person be emotionally scarred because keying his car is the equivalent of rape or assault in his warped mind? Hmm… 🤔

  14. The poor dad. I would've suffered a stroke. "Please, tell me that you're a transvestite aggro-vegan CrossFit serial killer-rapist with a drug habit. Or a car salesman. But not this!"

  15. A car that even the poorest of teenagers wouldn't want! I would be scared to burn it for fear that the evil spirits may come for revenge! God dam this guy needs to be preemptively given the death penalty just to make sure he doesn't hurt anyone!

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