How to do win-win interpersonal problem-solving

well I repeat relax I'm the author of the nonprofit break the cycle website the website is a series of eight self-improvement lessons all of which aim to help you live a better life and help your children do the same if you're a parent the website is based on 31 years of my being a professional family systems therapist and being on the planet for 73 years as a student and an observer lesson two in the website is about how to improve the effectiveness of your communication there are 7 skills that you can learn in order to do that the seventh skill is problem-solving my experience over many many years with well over a thousand people plants students friends family members is that average people like you including college-educated people don't know how to problem-solve cooperatively and effectively with each other this video is an attempt to distill a set of simple straightforward doable steps you can decide to use in order to problem-solve when you have difficulties with other people kids teens adults let's start with what is a problem if you accept the idea that a problem is an unmet need needs or discomforts we all seek to reduce discomfort all the time and to increase comforts or pleasures would you agree so a problem is an unfilled need with that idea in order to solve your problem meaning fill your needs and ideally your partner's needs to there are several things you need their requisites what are they the first is you need knowledge of the skills the set them communication skills that you'll find illustrated in another video and in lesson two in this break the cycle website you need to know what these skills are how to use them and when to use them the first of these skills is awareness you need to be known you need to know consciously what's going on inside of me what do I need what do I feel what am i doing I'd only feel about you you need to be aware of what's going on in your partner you need to be aware of what's going on between you and around you so you need knowledge of six skills starting with awareness six or seven skills you need an attitude in addition to that of mutual respect you need to genuinely believe not out of duty but genuinely you need to say you and I are different people and we're equals your needs are just as valid as mine at this time unless you're having an emergency you need an equal equal need for respect attitude you also need for effective process of problem-solving you need to have your true self leading your personality most people have no clue what that means lesson one in this website will tell you how are recognized who's really running your life isn't your true self or a false self so if you have if you know these communication skills your true self is in charge you have a mutual respect attitude and lastly if you have enough undistracted time no phones no kids there are no tasks then you can do affect your problem-solving how do you do that it starts with saying I have a problem self-awareness then you say okay I want to do problem solving its knowledge of this is an alternative your approach your partner and you say would you do problem-solving with me or something equivalent often people won't know what you mean so you may need to explain the following steps if the person says yes what you do is say okay let's identify what do you need right now and what do I need right now our needs are equal you use the communication skill of digging down to identify go below the surface needs and identify your current true needs there's another video that shows you how to do that identify what you need respectfully ask your partner what do you need right now from me help them identify dig down if necessary so now you you both know each other's needs this is what I need this is what you need once you do that and you have a mutual respect attitude then the next step is brainstorm how can we each get our needs met that perfectly good well enough let's kick around some ideas no matter how not in they are here's a quick example of brainstorming it's a true story a farmer outside a large Canadian city put up a billboard next to a major highway advertising his products local officials came by and said no no you can't do that we don't allow you to put up private billboards the farmer wanted to abide by the law he also wanted to advertise so the brainstorm and he came up with the idea of painting advertisements on his cows that is thinking outside the box you can learn to do that with any personal kids can have fun with this once they get the idea that any crazy idea is okay so equal equal attitude asking the person if they're willing to cooperate identify your needs identify his or her needs brainstorm and seek ways of getting your needs and their needs met well enough equally right now if you can do that thank yourself and each other why don't people do this it sounds simple it sounds useful right why don't people do this often it's because their false self is in charge and they don't know this there's these simple steps they simply don't know them what they do then is things like fight argue plead hint try to manipulate control walk away fumed gossip all these are lose-lose they damaged self-esteem they damaged relationships you don't have to do those the people in your family in your house don't have to do those you can all learn this skill as part of lesson two you need all the skills so how do you currently problem-solve compare what I just said identify needs equal equal attitude or cooperatively as teammates to do win-win problem solving how do you how does that compare with how you do it now do you get what you need very often always what are you teaching your kids about how to solve social problems don't think about it your parents probably did not know what you just learned in this video I encourage you to study lesson one to find out who's really running your life in lesson two which is seven powerful effective communication skills including effective thinking that's one of the skills and courage you to invest time in both those lessons as SF help dot or if you'd like to view related videos to this one follow the plane with a link to the play test playlist below have fun with this thanks for watching

8 thoughts on “How to do win-win interpersonal problem-solving

  1. Pete Gerlach, you are a true treasure of Youtube. I hope you are well. Thank you very much for all your videos. I will get around to studying your website in depth eventually!

  2. great video Pete I am continuously jumping back to these when I want to re-explore similar themes in my own writing and practice

  3. REMARK / i would add a powerfull and vicious distractor : TV (some people live with TV on from morning to night, what ever they do, and even when they talk to you or to their child…this is sad…

  4. @mbarkhau I agree such (wounded, unaware)npeople will continue, unless they hit bottom and chooise to change. This is amplified because they often don't get hoinest feedback (confrontation) about their disrespectful, unempathic communicatrion attitude and behaviors.

  5. @gercacn But this is all long term thinking and involves hard work. In the moment, the person has a narrow goal which they can achieve through dominating behavior. For them this is a short term win which may outweigh the long term costs involved, esp. if the costs his own. It's not a win in your terms, but people who are manipulative are not always open to effective win-win communication. So long as domination works for them, they will continue to do it.

  6. @mbarkhau "win" implies the person gets enough of their current communicatrion and other needs met well enough. "Lose" mean the person doesn't. If *effective* communication means both people get their needs met, then the behaviors you describe are usually lose-lose because they damage relationships and self-esteem.. They usually indicate the person is dominated by a false self and doesn't know effectrie communicarion skills

  7. I think the behaviors like fuming, gossip, resentment, manipulation etc. are more likely win lose on some level, because I don't see how they would be so prevalent if they were lose-lose.

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