How To Cope With Divorce After A Long Marriage


Hi I’m Dr. Paul Jenkins. Welcome to hero TV. We’ve got a great topic today which is a difficult topic, how to cope with divorce after a long marriage. One of the chapters in my book, “pathological positivity” is titled Surprise! Surprise… you’re going along through life you expect certain things to happen and then something else happens instead. Divorce is one of those things. Nobody goes into a marriage thinking, “yeah I’m going to get divorced someday”. We know that it happens in fact the divorce statistics are alarmingly high and the number one correlated cause of divorce think about this is marriage. That’s the highest correlation actually. with divorce. So it happens so commonly and so frequently. Well none of us plans on this so when divorce surprises us sometimes after a long marriage, sometimes after just a few months of marriage, it still sets us off a little bit. So, to put a visual on this, picture you and your spouse as you start out on this, this path together right? So two lovely people on a path to what? Well, you get married for a lot of reasons and I like to ask people this question when they come to visit with me for coaching, “why did you get married in the first place?” And there’s a lot of reasons let’s summarize it with just a goal over here, Whatever that goal represents for you. So the star is happiness, or bliss, or a strong stable family, or whatever it is for you. And, and, it has to do with joy and the whole reason why you got together in the first place. And then, as you’re traveling along this path you notice probably that stuff happens, right? All kinds of stuff. So let’s picture next a giant who appears on your path blocking your way a big intimidating none shall pass kind of a giant. You don’t get to have that. Now the giant represents all kinds of things it could be a financial issue, could be a health problem, it could be infidelity, it could be anything that pops up in the path and says you don’t get to go, you’re stopped. Okay well most people try everything that they can to take down the Giant and sometimes you can. Some giants however just persist they’re still there. So let’s take that kind of a giant decide what we’re going to do. You know, our goal has to be the same. In fact, I tell my clients this all the time the non-negotiable outcome here is your joy. That’s what we’re still having for but we got this giant in the way so what are we going to do? well we’re going to chart a path around the Giant. So we’ll either take one path or the other but we’re going to go around this giant now there’s two ways to get around the Giant and this path, let’s label, “together”. Now if you’re already in the thrills of a divorce, you’re probably not on that path. If you are anticipating that it might go that direction, you’re wondering if you can keep it together, you’re not quite sure. Well, you’re still approaching that intersection. This other path is the separate path. and sometimes for no apparent reasons of your own that’s the path that you end up on. Now, both people get to vote which path we’re going to go on. To go to together out requires a unanimous vote do you know what that means? it means that everybody votes for it. if anybody, votes for the separate path, that’s the one we take by default. So that might help to put some things in context worried about, why you are where you are? Now if you’re not yet divorced you’re on the approach to the intersection. Now this is important because you are here. You are not here or here, yet. You can see that that choice is coming up but you’re not quite there yet, If you’re already in a divorce situation and you’re taking the separate path we still have the same outcome that we’re going for. If you’re working through some things with your spouse and trying to correct or heal some things in that relationship then maybe we’re on this path still working our way around the giant with the same goal. Now here’s what I found. The very best way to negotiate the together path is by principle. Now principles are natural laws like gravity, they’re always on In fact, let me show you something real quick. A little demonstration of gravity that I think you’ll appreciate. This is a steel ring, I am going to let go of this ring and I want you to just see if you can predict which direction it’s going to go. okay? now you got this? you’re going to be totally surprised if it goes anywhere other than where you’re predicting. So I’ll let go. ready? oh What a surprise it fell toward the earth. Why? because gravity is always on. You never get up in the morning and think, “Oh I wonder if gravity’s on today” it tends to be and it pulls things down predictably, statistically. Now, what if I put that same ring onto a chain first. Now what’s going to happen when I let go? still going to fall right? wait a minute how did that happen? principle. Now magic, well, we call things magic when we don’t fully understand what the principle was that caused the outcome we observed. There’s a principle behind this I understand the principle I apply it and I get a different outcome than what you might have expected. What if you knew what I know? do you think you could pull off the the chain and the ring trick? yeah, you could and that’s not what this particular video is for. But if you understood what I understand about that, you could get a whole different outcome that’s what I’m talking about with principles and there are principles that determine the outcome of the together path. Principles like love, compassion, respect, okay? and there’s dozens of them I won’t go into all of them but you can see that, that’s what would be required to negotiate the together path. What if, by our own vote or by someone else’s vote, we end up on that separate path? well folks, there are principles that determine the success of that path as well and with hundreds of couples that I’ve worked with, here’s what I found… they’re the same principles. Let that sink in for a minute. They are the same principles. The problem with divorce and taking the separate path, is that the principles that would determine a successful marriage outcome on the together path are exactly the same principles that determine success on the separate path but they’re harder to apply. Because when a divorce happens divorce brings out the worst in people, have you noticed this too? and you’re not immune so don’t tease yourself or trick yourself into thinking that maybe you’re above all of that. You’re not. divorce brings out the worst in people here’s why, it’s a principle called “cognitive dissonance” Cognitive dissonance is just when what I believe and what I experience don’t match. So I have to adjust one or the other to bring that into compliance. It’s not okay in the human mind, it’s not okay to be divorced from a really awesome person. So, our mind creates an ex to hate. And you’re not immune from this. Okay? I use strong words for that I just want you to take a look at it. What that means is that people typically choose to handle the separate path with anger, resentment, frustration, okay that doesn’t help. In Fact, it makes things worse. What if you could negotiate this path using the same principles that would make a marriage successful? I’ve seen people do this and it is powerful so let’s get it down to just a few practical things for just a minute. First of all, activate your brain we’ve talked about this in other episodes. Activate your brain through gratitude and self-care. That’s step, step number one. Activate your brain through gratitude focusing on what you have, what you like, and what you want staying in the positivity vector that we talked about in the first video of this series and making sure that you are taking care of yourself. That’s step one, Step two, practice positivity to foster hope. Because when something like this happens, when the giant shows up, and, and it’s so bullying and intimidating it’s hard to see past that giant to what your goal is in the first place. Practice positivity to instill hope and then the third step that I would recommend to cope with divorce is to choose love. No matter what. No matter what. Now, every interaction we have with someone else is going to fall either on the love side or on the hate side. Either a little, or a lot and it is so tempting when we’re in that divorce situation in the separate paths to choose hate. But folks, that makes it worse. I have 13 years of experience doing child custody evaluations for the court. I have seen some of the nastiest stuff you can imagine in family dynamics and it always comes from a hate choice. Maintain your own integrity by choosing love no matter what and especially when it’s hard. That is one of the most powerful principles that will allow you not only to cope with this divorce but to move forward in a way that allows you to create some phenomenal outcomes you still are entitled to that joy and it’s accomplished through the principles that we’ve talked about here. I appreciate you sharing those things Paul. Really important information and I bet, I bet, you as a viewer can think of somebody who had benefit from watching this video so I recommend you share it with them and look forward to seeing you in the next video. Remember to live on purpose, make a difference, and be the hero.

46 thoughts on “How To Cope With Divorce After A Long Marriage

  1. Divorce brings out the worse in people, yes, but the irony–especially if there are kids involved–is that you have to hope for your former spouse's happiness even more than before because you no longer have the formal relationship to fall back on. You have to be kinder, more understanding–and as Paul Jenkins says–more loving. There is now no expectation of your ex treating you well, so your behavior and integrity has to inspire him/her to do so. Love the graphic!

  2. Nice Video! Apologies for butting in, I would love your thoughts. Have you heard about – Taparton Returning Love Takeover (just google it)? It is a great one off guide for learning how to stop divorce minus the normal expense. Ive heard some pretty good things about it and my mate at very last got cool results with it.

  3. I wish I'd seen this 6 months ago. We agreed to keep peaceful for the kids sakes. I had to have my time to hate her, but I was able to keep it from the kids. In the end, I do still love her as family. You don't spend 14 years with someone you hate. People grow and change through what life throws at us, sometimes people grow apart and that's okay. The key, especially when children are involved, is to remove yourself and your feelings from the situation when you find yourself going down that bad path and think of what good is going to come of this anger? Why do I hate her? Do I really hate her? Would I ever want to hurt her or my children? What's best for everyone involved? What's best for me? And it's hard as hell at first, but you have to continually keep yourself in check (go to the gym, learn a language, take up music or art) and focus the feelings in a healthy direction.

  4. Just remember guys marrying a woman isn’t worth it we always get screwed in the end because they put on the crocodile tears to the judge. Never marry, never impregnate and such resistance in time forces all women to go back to the bargaining table.

  5. If your going to get a divorce be prepared to be homeless for a while. Store up on food buddy it's going to be a long ride

  6. women are to blame don't follow there lies fools you will loose big time. I now 15 years of hell I suffered she's a lesbo and a cheat

  7. Thank you for this. You have no idea how much your content effects the a average, ordinary American. Your content is WAY more important than you think it is.

  8. How patronising can you be? That was the hardest 12 minutes to watch when being spoken to like an idiot

  9. The opposite of love is indifference which I tolerated during much of the one-sided forty year marriage. I am releasing my husband so he can move on with his concubine, and I can have a wonderful, wonderful life.

  10. I'm tearing up when he said to choose love. I'm married to a divorced man. I saw hate in his children's eyes as we tried to get along. Divorce had cause a lot of pain and they have been through a lot of emotional struggles. And at the end, children reluctant to love me as their father's new wife. Now we have 2 children of our own and my husband's children still could not accept that he spend more time with my children rather than them.. I tried to be nice to them, sit down n do homework with them, play sports , watch movies, do girls talk sometimes, cook their favourite foods.. but this bond always feels fake. They felt rejected and still could not accept that their father has different family now. All the good things I do seems worthless to them.

  11. Getting married means everything you own will become controlled by the government. If your marriage ends in divorce for whatever reason , then a judge will decide your fate ( do you really want to give some prick judge the satisfaction of divorce raping you? ).

    Guys don’t get married

  12. How do you cope!? How about throw a party! I'm sure it feels like being paroled from a life sentence!! Marriage is the most insane institution ever spawned on mankind. It makes absolutely no sense.

  13. At the time i write this message i am alone and i feel like i am dying alone since 2011. I need friends and love to be happy but when you can't smile everyone leave toi alone.
    This message is like a bottle to the sea saying a divorced man can be leaving in a neverending pain left as a dead man.
    Help.

  14. Guys stay single.! It's not worth the emotional and financial repercussions associated with today's women. You've been warned

  15. My advice is to have a separate account so you can have a fall back finance. Never live with someone without working.

  16. 2For the woman which hath an husband is bound by the law to her husband so long as he liveth; but if the husband be dead, she is loosed from the law of her husband. 3So then if, while her husband liveth, she be married to another man, she shall be called an adulteress: but if her husband be dead, she is free from that law; so that she is no adulteress, though she be married to another man. (Romans 7:2-3)

  17. After 25 years with my wife, she just ups and decides that she's no longer happy. I love her with all my heart and do not want this. Unfortunately I have no choice at this point. I've been trying to find videos help me cope and or understand what I'm going through. And all I can say right now about the guy in this video is I want to punch him in the face. He has been smiling laughing and almost mocking the viewers. F#$& him.

  18. I look down upon any person who has divorced. Divorce is extremely bad and shameful no matter what the circumstances are. Those who had to divorce showed extreme stupidity to have married their bad spouses in the first place.

  19. My depression is lightening a little momentarily because of this video – only because of the comments that say essentially that you're a dork.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *