hey guys welcome back to my channel or if you're new here at welcome my name is Samantha Robin doll makeup was my first-ever passion and now it is my job in a very different way I am a full-time influencer at this time so today I wanted to talk to you guys about my journey as an artist not necessarily as an influencer I was originally just sitting down to play with makeup because I haven't done that in a very long time and then I was like if I post a picture of this everyone's me like why the fuck did you film this bitch okay let's do this that's the probably the longest intro I've ever filmed I don't know exactly what I have planned today I know that I wanted to use these things I hope you guys like a little close up that's a beauty guru close-up that's a classic thing I got these from Michaels they look like geodes kind of they're really cool and I had gotten them like over a year ago because I was doing I was planning on doing Halloween looks with him and I never did when I am drawing painting doing makeup for fun I listen to music so I'm going to put my headphone in one ear I'm gonna use my Natasha Danone a face glow foundation I'm just putting that on the back of my hand and I'm going to mix it about 25% sheared out with this little Vichy 89 mineral thing I've always like to do my base first no matter what kind of makeup I'm doing because I just feel like it really helps me to have almost like a like really plain looking canvas I rarely set my face during the day anyways but I especially don't when I'm doing creative makeup because I want it to be easy to blend out or top because I'm gonna be resting my hand on my face a lot and gluing shit and re gluing it and whatever so I want to tell you guys a little bit more about my journey as kind of like a makeup artist and how I got into this and all that kind of good stuff when I was a little little girl I would go with my mom to Weight Watchers appointment and I would always bring a coloring book and I would sit on the floor and I would have my coloring book open on one of the chairs and I would would color and I liked Barbie books and I liked The Little Mermaid and I had a bunch of different coloring books like that when I was older I remember going through some of my old coloring books and realizing I'd only colored in the makeup on a lot of the things I would color an animal's note color and makeup a lot of the time I'm using a lighter concealer because I want to like kind of sculpt my face more today and offer some more kind of like dimension as a kid growing up I was always like really artistic I loved painting I loved drawing and that was just kind of my thing but I never really saw it or thought of it as something like that I would do for a living it was just truly like who I was you know what I mean like I really never was like oh I could be an artist like I I just was an artist when I was old enough to kind of start thinking about what I wanted to do longer term I really really really wanted to be a marine biologist that was like my thing and I remember I think it was like 12 or 13 and I had emailed this marine biology school in Australia and I had decided that that was like the school I was going to I'm not sure why I picked that one I just thought Australia was the place to explore aquatic animals so I had decided I was gonna be a marine biologist and I had email this school and they were basically like thanks but you're 12 and that was that was the end of that then as I got older there was a person named Carson that ruined my dreams and when I told my class that I wanted to be a marine biologist we all were like going around the room saying we wanted to be and I said anyone at the marine biologist and he was like do you want a family and I was like yeah of course music then you can't be a marine biologist because you'll be on the ocean for months at a time and I was like well my dreams are ruined so Thank You Carson Carson if you're watching this is your fault so I kind of didn't really have any idea of what I wanted to do after that and I didn't really think about it and I don't really care about it then when I was in grade 8 I would play with my mom's she my mommy still Avon and she had like little like sample baby lipsticks and I would always play with those little lipsticks and then I also found one of her old eyeshadow palettes because she also used to sell makeup for a brand called Alouette I think it might have just been Canadian I don't know if you had that in America the palette had it had like a peacock blue and olive green a black and then I think like a champagne color and I wore that palette Oh every day my life I'm just trying the brightness down for a little bit while this sunshine is like shining directly in my eyeball so I would always play with this eyeshadow palette and I just basically decided I was good at makeup from there on out I was like this is my calling but again I didn't really see it as something that was gonna be a job it was just something that I thought was really fun and then when I was in grade ten I started watching one one singular youtuber her name was faff Annette x3 I thought she was the coolest so I watched her and I read Tim Talia's blog hey Christine this is so embarrassing but you already knew this I fell in love with those two I thought they were so great and I thought they were doing such cool things and I wanted to be like that kind of thing and so that YouTube channel I was talking about at one point she had posted a haul from from IMATS she had gone to an IMAX and I was like well I need to go to IMAX then because I'm going to be this woman I had talked to my mom and I was like I really want to go to this thing called IMATS it's like a makeup trade show and you know I need to get these brushes cuz she got these brushes and you know she has this it's like this palette that has all these colors in it and super cheap and whatever kind of thing and it was it was one of the I don't know if it was BH or if it was the other company that did that back in the day I can't remember what the other one's name was but I was like I need this palette my mom was like okay so we went to IMATS in Vancouver and at the time that was like four hours away from where we lived we lived in a town called Kelowna which is not a small town but it's not a big town and it feels a lot smaller than it is I remember first of all there was like a student competition and I was like blown away like I just couldn't believe what these people were doing this makeup and I thought it was so cool and then I also I watched a lecture by this Mac artist she was talking about using she's talking about like creating the perfect bass essentially and she was talking about using two different shades of foundation like if you had like a summer foundation because you were darker in the summer and then like your normal like winter foundation she was talking about using your summer foundation to contour essentially but contouring like wasn't a thing then and she just showed how to do this and it was so subtle and so incredible and like it was it was beautiful and and I just thought it was so inventive and so like smart to do that and it really just sparked my creativity in a completely different way like I was always an artist my always really enjoy stuff like that but like I just never really applied that same thing to makeup in that extreme of a way we're not that using to demand foundations was extreme but like it was just inventive and it was smart and it was utilizing you know your tools to do something different for you than what its kind of meant for and I just I just thought that was incredible I was like this is so awesome and then I totally just went off the deep end with makeup so I went home and I applied to school for makeup artistry and I got accepted and I had to just wait until I was graduated from high school so I still had at least a year I think I graduate I think I applied like halfway through grade 11 and then I had graduated obviously in grade 12 and went and moved but all throughout grade 11 in grade 12 I did makeup constantly I would get up in the morning and I would do my makeup for school and then I would go to school and sorry mom I'd skip class to do makeup on my friends and not even just makeup but like we would do like body painting and all avant-garde stuff and I paint my friends like skulls and peacock feathers and just like all this different shit because I just couldn't get enough of it and then a lot of the times my friends would come over after school and I'd do their makeup again and you know he'd wash it off and do it again and wash it off and take pictures and do it again and that was our whole that was my whole life and I just kind of dragged everyone else into it and then a lot of the times I would come home from school and I would wash off my makeup that I had worn like beauty makeup and I would do avant-garde makeup on myself sorry guys I have a little bit of cold so I'm kind of like hoarse today so then I graduated high school finally and I was out of there I moved to Vancouver which is where I live now and I started my makeup school basically two weeks after I graduated and that was kind of the beginning of this whole journey so when I was in high school I was kind of like I was fun and I was funny I think around my friends but I was somebody who really sort of relied on being around others to bring up my sense of humor and sort of my my outgoingness and then when I moved to Vancouver I had no one so I was really like on my own you know I had to like navigate going to school and all that kind of stuff by myself and and I really started to notice how shy I actually was because I didn't think I was really that shy before it was just because around my friends I I wasn't but because I felt you know more comfortable or I don't really know what it was I just sort of felt like my friends were like my strengths in a way I started to notice how shy I really was and so you know I went to makeup school and I felt kind of like nervous because I wasn't really able to be as confident as I had been before so during makeup school I really really really worked my fucking ass off I was freelancing and stuff like that and then I was working I worked at Mac on and off and Mac was definitely kind of like a turning point for me because I understand everyone says they love Mac they're liars I love Mac Mac was the only makeup counter that existed in my hometown at the time and so it was really the only place I had to shop for like more high-end makeup and I would say every dollar that I had at Matt and I remember one day I went in and one of the associates was like oh how old are you and I was like I'm 16 or whatever I was at the time she was like oh well when you're 18 come in and you know we should apply and like maybe we'll hire you and I was like oh my god I would literally nice and so the second I had a chance I was in there I applied at Mack and I was working there on and off over the course of basically two years and it was weird because two things happen when I started working at Mack it became my life like I thought that I loved Mack before it was like on a whole other scale once I started working there because once I started learning about how they teach their employees and if you really you really sip the kool-aid when you work at Mack I feel especially when you first start because it's just like it's so creative and the training process is really cool and then you get to go to update and you see you know what's coming out over the next few months and it feels really like cool and exclusive and exciting and you know and everyone who works at Mack for the first little bit at least just loves it like they just are like this is the fucking coolest job on the planet like I would prompt people by being like what do you do for work and they'd be like oh I do this pipe like I work at Mack like I could not wait and like they had pins and necklace isn't shit like that that said Mack and I would wear that like way after my shift was done because I was just so proud to work for Mack like like I just was so happy and I thought at that time my long-term goal was not like I was like I'm gonna be a regional trainer and then I'm gonna do this and I'm gonna do that and I'm gonna be the CEO and I'm my own Mac and like III was like I'm with Mack for the rest of my life because I just loved that company so much and I just wanted to represent it and then the other thing that happened was it was kind of the first time where the illusion was shattered a little for me and what I mean by that was that like Mack in my mind was this exclusive entity of coolness and and I coveted my product so much because to me that was like something had worked for and earned and it was going to be what like made me more of an artist because when I started doing makeup I had three brushes I had a Mac angle brush I had a Mac precise eyeliner brush like kind of like a like this sort of that little like tiny thin paint brush thing and then I had a sort of like fluffy shader brush like it was the shape of this but it was like fluffier and those were my three brushes that was all the brushes I had I did everything with those okay I did like beauty looks skulls Halloween looks body painting it did not matter I would sit there with a black eye shadow like one time I was doing Shannon's face like a skull and I sat there and shaded with my fucking angle brush but to me it was just like I I would get one thing because I was all I could afford at a time from Mac and I coveted it and it became like how many ways can I transform this one product like a blush would be an eye shadow as well and a brush that was meant for my eyebrows would be eyeliner and shading and blending and and you know like anything anything like everything was everything and I would use that product in every way I possibly could so to me I coveted all these products so much and then when I got to Mac and I started working there I remember the first time somebody asked me to go in the back room and grab something this is gonna sound so silly but I went into the back room and I went to go grab whatever I was going to go grab and I just remember seeing all of the product and I was like what there was something about seeing so much like so such copious amounts of that product that made me feel like oh this isn't a tool this is a business and it was because I was like wow like this is like more than just you know a product that someone's gonna covet it's like thousands of people are gonna have the exact same product and they're not gonna use it the way that I'm using it and they're not gonna love it but what I'm loving and that like devastated me for some reason I thought that was so sad it kind of was the first time that I was like oh this is like an industry and I feel like that moment started to really shift the way that I felt about makeup and and also it shifted my feeling of myself in a way because I felt like how stupid have I been to be so naive and think that we're just all artists that love our craft everyone else looks at this as a business and like a way to make money and I started to kind of like doubt myself a little bit so I was like well I need to stop being stupid with my head in the clouds and recognize that this is like an industry and not just you know something that I'm doing for fun so after that moment I really started grinding my makeup teachers would freelance as well and a lot of the times when they weren't able to take a job they would kind of pass that job on to me and it was sort of like my confidence for makeup came out of nowhere because I remember I had talked to you one of my teachers after school one day and I was like you know I really want to apply it Mac and you know I'm nervous I'm nervous I won't get the job I'll be like what are they don't hire me and she was like babe honestly like he got it break out of that she'll and she was just basically telling me like you can't be this shy you can't be so like nervous about your skills and stuff like that like you have to like you know own it and that set me on a whole other path because I was like all right I fucking will I would go to school I was at school from 9:00 to 5:00 and then I would leave school I would go to my job after school at Mac and then I would leave Mac and I would go to a freelance job in the evening and I remember my first ever freelance job I was again like 19 or 18 or something it was a job that one of my teachers had passed on to me and when I got there there was like a male model and a female model and the male model needed his haircut and they were like do you cut hair because like when you're a working makeup artist they think that you first of all have everything in your kit like they'll be like to have a granola bar do you have a pair of like regulation scissors do you have a like a clothespin do you have um like dryer lint like they asked you for everything under the Sun because they think they're just gonna magically produce from your pack and be like yes of course I do and sometimes you do oddly enough but they also think that you possess every skill on the planet like they think that there's nothing that you can't do and it's it's a little bit different depending on the area because a lot of the times makeup artists are trained in hair as well but in Vancouver it's more common to have like hair artists and then makeup artists and it's like a very separate thing and so I had no training in hair but they were like can you cut hair and I was like uh-huh so I'm donning a pair of cuticle scissors and I was cutting this male models hair on my very first photo shoot also at one point they all started doing coke and I was like I have to go home I have a bite I'm gonna be a little too big not sure I think it is and I first of all loved it secondly thought I was the shit I thought it was a bomb and I thought nothing gets let me down I decided that I wanted to like work for mac long term and that was kind of like my my goal in the beginning and then I sort of started to feel like the culture wasn't right for me you know what Mac it really kind of feels like you can be the best employee you can be the most dedicated you can be the most artistic and talented and incredible and it really doesn't matter because it comes down to sales obviously and it bothered me because I felt like I understand the system like don't get me wrong because I know that there's gonna be people in the comments section being like you're so entitled I get why that system is the way that it is but it just as an artist upset me because I felt like it shouldn't be that way so I was working at another retail makeup store and in the meantime I was kind of trying to think like okay do I want to you know go into maybe the film industry and do makeup for films or you know do I want to stay working retail and whatever you know I had started sort of developing kind of like a business sense and I I really wanted to move things along like like I wanted to you know at my retail job I was like oh we should start doing social media we should do this we should do that because I had started posting on Instagram and I I thought it was like a cool platform and I thought that people were responsive to it and you know I just was like saying to my my manager my retail job that I think we should really be on social media like it's so cool and you know all these people are posting and it'd be so great for the business and blah blah blah and she was kind of like okay like whatever like you can do it if you want but like she really had like didn't really like give a shit about it or think that it was like necessarily this fantastic idea but I just like I just couldn't stop trying to think of something else to do like I like I always thought we should be doing more than we were and it sort of bothered me that nobody else gave a shit because to me I was like how do you become complacent like how do you become someone who doesn't care about what's going on like like how are you not just wanting to do so much more than what we're currently doing so eventually I ended up getting fired from that job and I was devastated it was like that my lowest low I was so so heartbroken I couldn't believe it and I just felt like such a the grounds on which I was fired was basically for being a mouthy little bitch it was basically because I stuck up for a friend and I remember coming home and talking to my dad and you know being like like I just can't believe it like this is so unfair I should have been fired bah bah bah and I remember my dad saying to me it doesn't matter if it's fair that's business I just have these like small moments in my life where like a light bulb goes off and that was one of those moments because to me to say that something wasn't fair but it didn't matter because that's the way that the world was to me I was like no that's not that's not right well know why like why can't we do something about it why can't we say something why can't we talk about it why can't we you know what like I just I wanted to stand up to that at that time I was kind of watching people on social media and I was seeing that you know there was a lot of people that were you know like these people kind of like in their late 20s and stuff like that and early 30s and I was like wow like these people are dedicating like an awful lot of time to social media and they shouldn't understand it because to me I was like well why why do why do people care this much why are people that focused on it if there benefiting so I was living with my parents at the time and I said to them I was like you know I want to figure out I feel like people are making money off of this and I want to figure out how and can you guys just give me a month where you know I can essentially try and research this and do it and figure out if people are making money and if they are how and can I do it they said yes they weren't ecstatic about it but they said yes so at the beginning of that month I had 2,000 followers and at the end of that month I had 10,000 and I remember sitting with a friend of mine at Red Robin she also worked at this place and she also had she quit actually we were talking about you know how we had left this job and and all the stuff and I was saying to her you know it's my it's my goal in a year to have 20,000 followers and at the end of that year was at a million followers I got into social media on a hunch but I started getting into it and I and I just thought it was so fun and for me I was like wow this is like such a blast because I get to do makeup every day and I get to do something different every day and you know people were responding really well to it and I just thought it was such a cool thing one of the first things I ever did on Instagram was I made this hashtag and I called a 30 days in makeup and I kind of like encouraged other people to join in I was like I want to do you know this thing and I want everyone to do different makeup for 30 days lately different makeup for 30 days straight and posted on Instagram and the old purpose was kind of to see like first of all like to push your creativity but also to see like how much of a better artists you were and how much better you are taking photos by the end of it some people actually followed along with me I thought it was really really cool and then one of the next things that I did was create battle ash so most of you guys probably won't know what battle ash is I think it's still the the title for this channel I'm sure the brightness a little bit this was my concept for battle ash I was so annoyed by this concept that you had to be okay with being treated poorly and you had to be okay with you know the way things were in the world and all that kind of stuff I was like no I just didn't agree with that I didn't like that and it always always angered me it always angered me for someone to just say this is the way that it is and everyone else to just say okay my whole idea behind battle ash was to create a blog that would feature women and I wanted it to be more than just me I wanted it to be some other women that I had chosen to be part of the blog and they would post and we all would have different styles and you know different personalities and stuff like that but it was to kind of showcase that you can work together and you can be different and it doesn't matter and you know you don't have to do what everyone else is doing you don't have to be what everyone else is I had originally started a tumblr page and then I had an actual website and then I started on YouTube as well and I first had just one other girl that worked with me on battle ash and at one point we decided okay yeah we're gonna add some other people and so we had met these two other girls and they were going to be part of battle ash and then we all were posting on the same Instagram account and we all started posting YouTube videos and it was this little thing and for awhile it was so great like it was literally everything I had ever wanted and I thought it was awesome and people were getting it and it was just really really cool long story short we all ended up going our separate ways and this to me was such a moment of defeat because I felt like my whole plight was to prove that girls could work together and you know like we were gonna be this group that was like a joint team and and everyone was gonna be valued and everyone was gonna be whatever and everyone's gonna be equal and I remember one of the girls saying to me like this isn't equal because it's like your thing and us and I was devastated I was like we are equal we are equal and she was or not and and I was so like hurt and upset by that because I was like you're not like getting the vision but it was it was true it was it was not really our thing it was my thing and and we all went our separate ways and everyone's doing their own thing now and everyone's doing fantastic by the way that was a part of adalaj at that point I kind of had to make a decision like okay like I'm gonna do this by myself and I'm now battle ash one person and I just really didn't like that because to me it was like against everything that I was trying to prove and show but I just was like I'm going to okay I'm a business and I'm gonna do this I ended up at one point dyeing my hair silver and that was basically the start of me not enjoying social media I blew up during that time that was like the biggest kind of change in my career it sounds so odd to like attribute it to like dyeing my hair but it really was that because it was something where I had dyed my hair because I always wanted silver hair and then when I did it became like this huge trend and when you would Google silver hair it was like just pictures and pictures and pictures and pictures of my face and thankfully people crediting me and stuff you know I had like a Haier brand contact me and say let's do like silver extensions together and we did these silver extensions that match my hair color perfectly and I became like an influencer during that time like I feel like that was really when I made the shift from like a makeup artist to an influencer and when that happened I really started to lose my passion because it suddenly became about something very different where in the beginning it was about you know proving a point that you didn't have to step on people's toes and it was about the the passion that I had for makeup and trying to keep that flame alive even though I had come to realize how much of a industry it was but I felt like I slowly but surely started to care less about the makeup and care more about how people looked at me and how people thought about me and my makeup started really changing I used to be really into super dramatic makeup and you know color and doing different things and doing fun things and all this kind of shit and then I started feeling like I didn't want to do that anymore because that wasn't what looked the most beautiful and it wasn't like photographed the best and you know everyone else looks so great that like I felt stupid wearing makeup that looked so like kind of out there because I wanted to look as beautiful as everyone else did and when I was doing this hair deal I had to fly back and forth LA a lot so I was spending a ton of time in LA you know around the influencers in that area and and they're all are so I mean LA is just such a powerhouse it's such a powerhouse for media of any kind and you really are in like a kind of league of of its own when you're in LA because you are expected to be on all the time you're expected to look a certain way all the time like it's just a very different vibe and so I felt like I was scrambling to try and keep up I felt like I needed to wear what they were wearing and I felt like I needed to do my makeup how they were doing their makeup and I always needed to have my extensions in and they always needed to be curled perfectly and I always needed to act a certain way and sound a certain way and try and be friends with all these people it really became this thing where like I no longer saw makeup as a fun creative thing but just a means to make myself look better before that I mean I thought that makeup made me look prettier but I'm more so cared about the fact that make it made me look cool and it made me look talented and it made me look creative and you know that's what I wanted out of out of it and then I slowly started just liking it felt like I had to do creative makeup because that's what I started with doing and then I felt like when I did creative makeup that wasn't what people wanted to see they wanted to see you know Instagram glam so it was kind of like makeup became a chore because I just wanted to look pretty I didn't want to do creative makeup but people were hounding me to do Cretu makeup and then when I would people were annoyed by it because they didn't want to see that and and you know like it just started to become this thing where I was like I don't fucking want to do makeup I kinda started to lose my passion and then the other thing was happening was you know I kind of have touched on this throughout the video but basically my whole life I've been like a little like anti whatever society is doing I'm like no it's stupid I just again like I just didn't like accepting that things were the way that they were and that's what you had to just like be okay with when I started in this industry I I'd get annoyed by things that people were doing like I was annoyed by the fact that people weren't disclosing sponsored posts I was annoyed by the fact that you know people that were shitty people were doing really well stuff like that just really started to kind of weigh on me that was like you know I'm gonna be honest and I'm gonna be myself and and I'm gonna do this I'm gonna do that and blah blah blah whatever basically I started to realize that it didn't matter what you did because it was never enough and you could be as honest as you want and you could disclose every little thing and and you could be as real as they come and you know whatever but I started to realize that like that thing that I believed so strongly and that I wanted to prove that you could be successful without having to lie and without having to Taylor the truth and without having to step on toes and just say okay to what the world is like I wanted to prove that and I started to realize that like that wasn't coming to fruition because everyone that was ignoring that and just working and you know saying what they needed to say and talking who they need to talk to and stepping on whoever's toads they needed to step to those were the people that were doing well and meanwhile I was still I was popular and I was gaining a lot of subscribers and you know I had some collaborations and stuff like that but I was still struggling to pay my bills and I just remember having so many conversations with myself and conversations with other people saying basically you know like why am i doing this way because it's not paying off for me and it was something where I really had to come to terms with the idea that first of all hopefully it would pay off eventually but secondly that that wasn't why I was doing it I was doing it because I was so angry about the fact that I didn't want to believe that you had to be that person to do well I wanted to start appeasing people I guess because I felt like so frustrated that these morals that I'd stuck to for so long and these beliefs I'd stuck to for so long weren't essentially doing anything for me I became even more unhappy and even more unsatisfied with what I was doing it really took hitting rock bottom for me to start actually finding some enjoyment in this job again I try being myself people didn't care I tried being somebody else or trying to tailor myself to be more like what people were watching or what people were you know criticizing me about or whatever kind of thing and it didn't matter it didn't make a difference so I got to the point where I was like well I simply don't give a shit anymore then and then I not meaning to take a hiatus but I kind of did I basically just stopped posting because I felt like I should and started posting only when I wanted to which was quite frankly not very often I felt like I slowly started becoming more kind of excited about YouTube because I wasn't ever posting for any reason other than because I felt like it that day and slowly but surely I got to the point where I actually started to find enjoyment and Drive in my job again and it's funny because I know that a lot of people get upset when I say that I don't find fulfillment in this job and I've referenced this in a couple of videos recently because it's a comment that I've been seeing continually on the internet because a lot of people in saying well if you don't find fulfillment your job and you're basically saying you hate it and you don't enjoy it and this the other thing then you are only doing it for the money money is fantastic I love money I find it fun to figure out ways to make money I find it exciting when I got a big cheque and I can go into the bank and deposit it and look at it in my bank account anyone that knows me will tell you that money to me is the thing I am the least attached to for me this whole conversation surrounding money is more so that I feel like I don't like feeling trapped I don't like feeling trapped in my job and I'll tell you why I feel that way I feel scared to let go of everything that I've built in my adult years because you have to remember I'm only 25 and I've been doing social media full-time for five years the majority of my time has been spent poured into this so to just walk away from that and say I'm gonna do something different that I think is more fulfilling he's a really really scary thought even if I don't feel as fulfilled doing this as I could doing potentially something else the other thing I worry is that I won't feel fulfilled no matter what I'm doing because as soon as something changes from a hobby or a creative outlet to a job it loses a lot of its allure and lastly money is a huge factor in the fact that I know I can't make what I'm making now doing anything else then I'm qualified to do so whether or not people like the fact that I acknowledge that it's just my reality and quite frankly I would be so screwed up to even try and leave what I'm doing now because I pay taxes on the money that I make just like everyone else and I pay taxes that reflect the amount that I currently make so if I was to leave midway through the tax year I could not pay my taxes in any other job because I have to continue to make this amount of money to continue to be able to pay my taxes and I would have to have really impeccable timing to break out of the cycle of doing what I'm doing now I just don't believe in sitting here and telling you that everything is peachy keen when it's not it's not to say that I don't enjoy certain parts of my job because there's days where I genuinely want to sit down and film and there's days when I really enjoy interacting with you guys and responding to your DMS and every youtuber says this but they're wrong because I'm right in the fact that my subscriber base filled with some of the best people on this planet if you just scroll through my comment section on any given video except for any video of mine it's controversial it is just flooded with either the kindest or the funniest comments ever so what was the point of this video nothing there was no reason for it at all truthfully that the purpose was that I knew that you guys would get upset if I posted a photo and you didn't film it just thought I would have it with a melancholy storyline my goal for 2018 was balance not working out for you I'm still working on that goal but I have a goal specifically for my creative side and my goal is to feel passionate about makeup again work on perfecting my craft again because I feel like I've gotten really like lazy and sloppy and just haven't like really tried as hard and I also want to try and start using up some of my products like I've mentioned so I definitely want to start that series I think I'm gonna start it this week I think I probably gonna post this video on Tuesday and I'd like to post the video using up pallet for a whole month for Thursday or Friday anyways you guys that's it this is probably gonna be like a painfully long and just like useless video to sit through but thank you guys so much for hanging on chatting I hope you guys have a really a really good day and I can't remember how I usually sign off because I'm getting distracted by this beautiful beautiful music and listening to okay thanks bye


  1. I appreciate your candor in this video. I hope you are able to find a creative outlet that you feel more fulfilled in, while also keeping this channel because we love you, and your content! Also, this look is so gorgeous!! Sending hugs.

  2. 😳😳😳😳
    New to make up (I'm mid 40's!)
    This video was AMA
    I LOVE your Journey!
    Stoke your flame, I will follow. 🙏

  3. Oh, Girl! This trick with lines above eyes changed my life! <3 Thank you! I wish you find your passion again 🙂

  4. I am 52. I am so pleased to have found you and to recommend you to my daughter and to other young women in my life. X

  5. I am a makeup artist and cosmetologist, but went to school for marine biology first! I don't know how I missed this video from LAST YEAR! lol!

  6. Love it! I have been watching your videos for a while now and you are by far my favorite! Your sincerity and beautifu mlakeup is everything. Lol so I guess what I'm saying is thank you for enriching my YouTube experience 😂😎

  7. I love how brutally honest and real you are in this video. And I agree with everything you said. Even people that LOVE their job still have days when they don’t want to go to work or wish they didn’t have to work.

  8. I know that this is a really old video so I don't know if you'll ever see this comment. That last part when you're talking about your taxes and how you won't make this money in any other job that you're qualified to do, hit me right in the heart. I too am in a job that I only stay at because I know that I won't be able to make this money anywhere else and my husband and I have had the "well, if we quit now we won't be able to pay our taxes this year" I just wanted to send some love your way because I know exactly what that feels like.

  9. Aloette wasn't just in Canada. My mom sold it too! Out of curiosity I looked them up and apparently they are still around selling makeup and skincare.

  10. I hope very much for you to find a path to something that fulfills you, work wise. This doesn't have to be forever. It's ok if it's just for now. In fact, there's a song from the musical Avenue Q that is called For Now. Maybe track it down and have a listen. It's oddly comforting.

  11. I’m glad you did this video and I’m glad you’re still doing makeup and on social media for all of us. Gorgeous makeup!!! I just retired from the military and I’m pursuing makeup artistry, nails, esthetician…. so pumped to just have fun with looking amazing 😉

  12. The level of honesty! I love you already. I feel same way about modelling to be honest, even though I don't feel fulfilled doing it,and it takes a lot from me. I still continue because I am so scared of failing, my whole family everyone back home is looking up to me. I can't go back home leaving all these success I have managed to achieve over time. I can't just let go of the sacrifices I have made and just move on to something else, because I am scared i would fail. So honestly I get exactly what you mean. I just stumbled on your channel, you are very talented and beautiful. and I just want to say that in the end all of us would alright. And we would be happy.

  13. THE SALES THING SPEAKS TO ME. I really loved working for lancome and well, i left. i started doing freelance. and since leaving, I absolutely have grown as a artist. best thing I ever did

  14. This is the first video that I have watched of yours. I think you are amazing. Follow your dreams, or find a way to follow your dreams. Fuck the shallow shit! And people, lol!

  15. Thanks this video helps a lot im a theater major an Beauty guru and I’m an infielder as well influcer*+++

  16. wow you are such a down to earth person. I wish I could have a conversation with you so you could give me some advise in the makeup industry. You are so different than most people I meet in Vancouver.

  17. Oh my god, I'm studying biology and hoping to be a marine biologist but I'm kinda feeling like I'm more passionate about make up as of right now! Do you have any advice for getting a career in makeup?

  18. I just found your channel a few days ago, and I am now 31 minutes into this video and am SHOOK because I am now so far deep into your Instagram to find your silver hair and seeing pictures of you I literally used to see on pinterest and used for hair/makeup Inspo. Wow. I love you so much and I love this video

  19. thank you for this. seriously, thank you. this has affected me to the core. i love your candor, and now I see just how truly passionate a creative you are, and have been throughout your life. Your eloquent presentation of your ethics and your attitude through your story gave my right-brain creative side the feels. You are truly an inspiration to me; and, seeing the comments, you are for many others, as well. I have so much more to say beyond an unintentional semi-boilerplate "omg ur awesome" comment, but…not right now. However, I'm with you–stuck, both creatively and in business. That adage "you never work a day in your life if you love your job" is pithy and all, but even if you are fortunate enough to pursue something you love, it seems really rare to be able to find the opportunity that allows you to be truly fulfilled in that way. Business goals are often diametrically opposed to your personal ideals and goals, as a creative. it seems to result in 'BRIDLED passion', which sucks–particularly when you have the vision. So I'm sorry you went/are going through that. It can really be taxing and disillusioning. hope that makes sense

  20. I relate to you’re entire story about your life and how passionate you are not only about your craft. That you put your heart and soul into everything you do.
    Thank you for your honestly. I’d much rather know you’re just not loving where you are at. Than you faking how you feel.

  21. Makeup is 100% my passion and I really want to pursue a career in makeup so I'm really glad your channel popped up

  22. You literally just explained my life (minus the influencer part) – theres a lot of weird birds in the MUAuniverse that feel alone in their struggles (existential and otherwise So THANK YOU FOR THIS xxo

  23. I knew you were a Pisces as soon as you said you were an artist as a child. Then you said you wanted to be a marine biologist, and followed that with the Aqua and blue makeup palette. I had to go look up your details to find your birthday and YEP. You're a Pisces.

    Thank you for opening up. This video is everything. ❤️❤️❤️

  24. I've been watching your vids on and off for about a month now, and I gotta say, I was first drawn to your videos because of your personality. Your looks weren't that important to me. What I can tell about you, and can relate to to some extent, is that when you find something you want to do, you throw yourself into it, and have these expectations of what it's going to be like. If it doesn't meet those expectations, or it's not what you thought it would be, then you start to pull back, and your enthusiasm wanes. This isn't good or bad, it just is. Trust me, I've been there. Try to find a balance in your life. Stop listening to all these people pushing for certain content and just post what you enjoy, as often as you feel like. That's what Youtube should be about, and people on both sides of the camera have forgotten that. Who cares how many followers you have? Who cares if you ever get a collab? Who cares if you are using a palette that's two years old? If you are creative (and you definitely are), then you can make the most of what you've got and have fun in the process. That's all that matters. If you wake up one morning and find that you can't do this another day, that's ok too. You can slowly transition yourself to a different field that gives you fulfillment. Just try to go in without expectations and just let the experience be what it is.

  25. I totally loved this video, I related so much to the idealistic side of yours and I , as well, feel that the world can change and still hope that I can change it even if I have to swim the flow, walk the extra mile to prove it, amaizing video

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