Get Someone to Do What You Want! DBT Technique: DEAR MAN | Kati Morton



Hey everybody, today we're going to talk about the DBT technique DEAR MAN otherwise known as "how to get people to do what you want." [INTRO music: percussive beat] If you haven't watched my older videos about DBT, I'll link them in the description because I do think it's important for us to watch them so that we understand overall what DBT is. But to give you a short synopsis, DBT stands for Dialectical Behavior Therapy, and it was created by a woman by the name of Marsha Linehan. And it was made to help those with BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder, find better ways to cope and they're kind of three pillars to DBT. Obviously there's a lot involved in it, but the three pillars are: Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, which is what working on today, and then also Emotion Regulation, and those are the kinds of the things that you'll see no matter what topic or what technique we're using. They usually fall under one of those categories. Now, like I said, DEAR MAN falls under Interpersonal Effectiveness and the way that they describe it is that it's how to get someone to do what you want. That doesn't mean that no matter what you want someone to do you can get them to do it, it really means that we're learning how to communicate clearly, assert ourselves, bargain for things, and in the end, hopefully come to some kind of mutual agreement where we're both happy. That's really the ultimate goal. So let's start because all of DBT is kind of acronyms. If you looked up DEAR MAN, you'd also probably see GIVE FAST as another portion of Interpersonal Effectiveness. Now those are other components that we're not going to address today. But let's start with the letter D. And that is "DESCRIBE" and I'm reading from my notes here, but it says describe a situation and stick to the facts. And I think the most important component of that is stick to the facts! Now, to give an example of sticking to the facts, let's say you have a friend who is repeatedly standing you up or flaking last minute. The way that you would describe the situation is you could say, "Hey, Sally, I've noticed in the last three weeks that you are repeatedly standing me up. And you don't show up when we make plans or you flake out at the last minute." That's sticking to the facts. We're not saying how we feel, we're not saying that it's bad. We're not judging anything about it. We're just describing the situations. Sometimes it helps me when I'm teaching this to my clients, to think of it as — I'm like writing the introduction to this scenario as an offer. How would I describe the situation? I'm not talking from like a person's perspective, I'm talking as like a random third person on the outside who is telling you what it looks like. Now the "E" is for "EXPRESS" and the most important component of this is to use "I" statements. I know if any of you been in therapy you're like, "Uugghh 'I statements' ", but we find those are so much more helpful in communication. When we say, "you make me feel like shit" that person's going to get defensive. They may not hear another thing we say and it could end up an argument or a complete shutdown, or they walk out; it's nothing good. So it works best to say things like: "I feel, when I'm left waiting, that I worry about you. I wonder where you're at. And I hope you're okay. That's all on me. I'm not saying that you did anything, I'm saying this is how I feel when that happens." And just lastly, as a little note for Express, I find when we do this it opens up more doors for communication. It allows the person to feel free to explain what's going on versus shutting them down right away, saying, "you make me feel this way." Sooo… Yeah I even use this in my real life I'm just going to be honest. The "A" in DEAR MAN stands for "ASSERT", and this is where I usually lose my clients. They're like, "oh my god, this is so overwhelming.I don't like conf… you know any kind of conflict, confrontation! Not for me! I can't do it!! boooo." And they don't wanna make eye contact and they want to stop working on this. But I promise you, this is so helpful. An "Assert" doesn't mean be aggressive. Assert means asking directly for what you want or saying no very clearly. We always have to remember that people can't read our minds. I want to say that again so you hear it. We have to remember that other people can't read our minds. We can't hold them accountable for things we haven't told them. If we haven't asked what we want, we can't expect them to give it to us, okay? Maybe rewind and watch that one more time because that's really important and a lot of conflicts start around people expecting others to read their minds and we're just not capable of it. Or at least most of us aren't. But, with regard to the whole scenario that we're playing out, right, a friend who's flaking, who is leaving me–y'know, essentially standing us up What will be assert here? Maybe we say something like "I would like you to let me know ahead of time if you're not going to make it." That's fair. Or we can say, "If you need to cancel, can you please do it the day before? Because I plan my whole day around us getting together." Those are all fair things to ask and "Assert". The "R" in DEAR MAN is "REINFORCE" and I know this sounds kind of like "parental", like as if you're a parent you're going to, you know, reward them for doing things well. But truthfully, in relationships, we reward each other for doing things that we like whether we notice it or not. Someone does something nice for us, someone goes out of their way to pick us up from the airport, we're very thankful. We go out our way to say thank you. We may buy them dinner sometime, we may come over and bring a surprise little gift. There may be all sorts of things that we do that are rewarding a behavior without actually realizing we're doing it. So trust me, reinforcing is actually a very natural thing to do. The "M" in DEAR MAN is "MINDFUL". And I'm just looking at my notes because this one's really important. And it says, "To keep your focus on what you want and avoid distractions." You can continue to ask for what you asserted over and over like a broken record… because sometimes people need us to repeat things before they ACTUALLY hear us. Lastly, ignore attacks. If the person that you're asserting yourself to starts to kind of fight back and attack you personally, hold your ground and repeat what you'd already asked for. You say again, "I would love to spend time with you. All I'm asking is that you tell me ahead of time if you're going to cancel so I don't wait there for you." Or "Can you tell me the day before because I plan my entire day around us getting together?" We just continue that broken record, right? We continue to assert ourselves and ask for what we want. The "A" in DEAR MAN is for "APPEAR". Appear confident! Make eye contact. You know, eye contact. This is when I lose a lot of my clients. They're like "It's really hard, like I get nervous. I want to look down." Force yourself, practice with safe, healthy, happy people in your lives to make eye contact. Make sure that we speak clearly and loudly, we don't mumble. We don't look down and mutter and whatever and ignore what we're really wanting to say. Make eye contact, assert yourself and stick with it. This can help in so many facets of your life. I've utilized this portion just appearing confident, when I'm going to a speaking engagement, when I'm applying for a new job and going for an interview. It can help us out in a lot of ways. Just making eye contact, speaking loudly and clearly and asking for what we want. And the last letter of DEAR MAN, the "N", is for "NEGOTIATE". Remember at the beginning when I said that we may have to come to a compromise? Where we're both happy because we may have to GIVE to GET. The person that we may be talking to or asserting or asking for something may not want to give us what we want. Or they may just not want to give us EXACTLY what we want. We may have to give up a few things in order to get to our ultimate goal. Which is coming together, negotiating, coming to a compromise where we both win. And it was kind of part of the communication because we have to ask the other person's input. We can't tell someone what to do and expect them to just comply. That's not how relationships work. This is "interpersonal effectiveness" right? We're being effective in our interpersonal relationships. So we need to hear them out. We need to actually listen to what they say and understand where they're coming from and then try to reach an agreement. Let's say, for the example that we're giving, let's say that that friend is like, "That's ridiculous! Things come up! I can't plan for that! I can't let you know a day ahead!" You can say, "Hey, can we just try it for the next couple times to get together and see if it makes us both feel a little bit better? I understand there's emergencies but you can't tell me there's been an emergency every time." Hear their points. Then they may come back to you and be like, "but my life is chaotic and I'm planning a wedding" or "daa daadada..doing all the stuff!" And we can say, "Okay. How about just a few hours before we're getting together?" That way I don't show up there, sit down, wait for you for 30 minutes, and then leave, because that's really where I become upset. You can kind of reach an agreement, even if the person is being really obstinate. I hope you found this video helpful. DEAR MAN can be so useful in so many different ways. Like I said, I've used the confidence in the asserting with work situations that were uncomfortable. So practice it! Practice using this with people that you love and care about, who maybe are a little softer, a little easier to talk to because we're going to need this sometimes when we're feeling overwhelmed. And when we're thinking that things aren't quite going our way but we don't know how to get out of it, this will help us manage it. It will help us communicate clearly and get our needs met. It can really change your life and leave it in the comments: Have you gone through DBT and been in the groups and worked DEAR MAN? How has it worked for you? Let us know and if you're new to my channel, click here to subscribe? I put out videos twice a week and you don't want to miss them. And make sure your notifications are turned on so when they go up, you know right away, and I will see you next time. BYE!

41 thoughts on “Get Someone to Do What You Want! DBT Technique: DEAR MAN | Kati Morton

  1. This is Important To Me About Dbt Therapy Dear Man It's Help To Communicate Everyone Not To Shut Everyone Out Thanks Kati

  2. I am terrible at interpersonal skills. This will really help me. Thank you so much. I really appreciate your
    putting out such great content.

  3. Great video overall! Very helpful refresher on DEAR MAN. I was wondering about the last letter, though. My therapist added in the negotiation part that this is also where you decide what you are not willing to negotiate on. This is also where you set your firm boundaries, so to speak, and may decide that you need to take a step back from a relationship/cut ties from people not healthy for you.
    I felt like this was a very important part for me, and probably others, to keep in mind, as many people have a hard time sticking up for themselves and having boundaries. My therapist also gave me a sheet explaining rights every person has and what are acceptable boundaries when I learned about DEAR MAN.
    I am not sure if this is something that is often added in DEAR MAN talk or not, but I felt like it was very useful

  4. Hi Kati, I appreciate these videos thank you for all your time. I am currently attending a DBT Skills training group every week . Very intense.

  5. These videos are so helpful, and maybe even more helpful ten months later when you watch them the second time through πŸ™‚

  6. How do I grow so that when my baby sister needs me to help her with my narcissistic parents how do I not be scared like a kid..how or what can I learn so I dont panic and be scared like I'm a kid again..I need to help my 9 year old sister but I feel I dont know how to maintain the proper self control levels if I ever had to face my parents. They actually live in my home 3 doors down I know big mistake right..I thougjt I could help them but its actually gotten so bad I cant leave the house cant just take my dog for a walk..like I'm going backwards when I want to learn and grow..I guess what I'm asking is what do I do when my sister texts she needs help and I want to rush in n rescue her but I'm also stuck frose scared not knowing what to do or what I can do..I feel helpless in this and I know it's not I know there is hope..I've already set boundaries where they know they are not welcome on my property but it's just knowing what to do. I cant call the law because it takes them 45 minutes to respond but I know there is something I can do because I have issues from being raised by my mother n I do everything I can to make it easier on my sister to the point I've had her live with me dads permission till they flipped it to I kidnapped my own sister n they snuck her out of school n took her to the store for treats n candy..dad asked me to keep her safe but then flipped it..I want to help but I dont want to keep going down the same paths that got me no where

  7. Here is DBT extreme ; Use DEAR MAN without ever using the word YOU. It is challenging however extremely effective.

  8. Curious thing I want to point out is how dearman sounds more like a coping mechanism to deal with someone WITH BPD or toxic people who want to overstep your boundaries and how you should respond.

  9. Am doing DBT right now- 1 day a week for 12 months (yes that’s correct – 1 year of it plus homework plus dairy cards that must get filled in) it’s really amazing. Thanks for the video Kati

  10. I have learned this skill before in a DBT class. I love the way you explained it and all the tid bits you added. I was wondering what to do if you assert something & are willing to compromise but they are not. They are adamant about not being able to change their advice. Any skills you can offer?

  11. Hi Kati, I feel any therapy only works if there's willingness in the person to work on themselves. What do you think?

  12. Hi, Kati! I'm a behavior analyst and an ACT Therapist. Recently I've became more interested in DBT and I found this video very helpful. Thank you!

  13. People should know that even though DBT was originally created to treat BPD it has been proven to be very effective in treating anxiety, panic attacks, and cPTSD. Adults who have endured child abuse have found DBT to be particularly helpful in fighting suicidal tendencies and stopping flashbacks.

  14. Hi Kati. I've been watching your videos and also sharing them with my real life therapist. She loves your content too! I am learning so much from you and really appreciate that you take the time to share this and put it up on YT for people to learn these skills, and for free! That's very generous! I have a suggestion for your DBT vids (which are the vids I personally am studying) – I'm actually using my DBT workbook (the one that you reference) while watching your videos – it would be super helpful if you could, in the video, state which page / chapter you are on in the book – so we can follow along easier? Thank you so much for all you do! πŸ™‚

  15. love your videos kati ! I'm taking a DBT class now, & listening to you is very very helpful! I also love your bubbly style! You Rock!

  16. Im working on my DBT SKILLS and your videos make the exercises helpful. Plus, reinforce what I am learning.

  17. Thank you . I'm glad i found you.My 13 year old Daughter Has been in and out of mental Hospitals for the last year. When she gets upset about something she just can't let it go. we are starting her in DBT Therapy next week I think it will help.PS i bought the workbook .

  18. this stuff just comes naturally to me i have noticed i dont even try i am just able to know exactly what to say to each one of my friends

    the problem is i know how to piss them off just as easily when i am not in a good mood (that was more high school) and i have the same friends so they didnt seem to really care or at least they understood

  19. i have a friend who is a flake and i just be assertive right away and say alright whats going on and skip the other stuff because i have known him since high school and he knows i wont judge him and he always feels bad about being a flake

    his bird got sick and instead of telling me that right away he was hoping his bird would be better by the time we hung out i just said next time your birdie gets sick let me know so that way i can make you feel better even though you need to take care of your sick birdie

    sometimes its his mom as well she ends up getting busy last second and i understand that he cant drive he will be able to drive again soon and he isnt near the bus like i am i can just walk to it

    thx for this ha bisky vid i loved this a lot and i think i was judgmental until i got BPD now that i think about it (i did something in college that really fucked up my brain back when i was an agnostic i dont regret it but its end effect wasnt fun no drugs were involved this was 100% legal and it involved using a lot of google)

  20. Love it when a girly therapist drops swear words in an instructional video
    πŸ‘πŸΌπŸ‘πŸΌ Keepin' it real! πŸ‘πŸΌπŸ‘πŸΌ

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