Ep. 33 Secret Life of Entrepreneurs with Denise Anderson, Author, Divorce in a Small Town


Happy Wednesday out there folks super
pleased to be here this beautiful sunny Wednesday morning my guest today is
gonna talk about something that I think is particularly interesting to a lot of
folks so you know she and I just finished having a conversation and we’re
talking about everything from small-town drama small pee politics but small
circles of influence and how that really impacts all of us and how we choose to
live our lives and you know just to get on my soapbox for a minute I have to say
that I feel like I live in a small town today the Regina City School Board of
the Regina Public School board made a decision yesterday that impacts hundreds
of students across Regina and I’m sorry but I don’t believe that they made a
decision based on leadership it is my opinion but I don’t believe that they
they took a leadership position here so that’s the small town that I feel like
we live in today but let’s get back to the show so before I introduce our guest
I just want to make sure that everyone stays tuned in right until the very end
of our show she’s got a super special gift for everyone out there who’s
listening so tune in learn all about our guest today and you will get a free
something so stay tuned all right without further ado I would like to
welcome our guest today our guest is Denise Anderson she’s an Author a Coach
a Leader in the business community and and a supporter like a supreme supporter
she believes anyone who sets their mind out to do
something can accomplish it she’s such a cheerleader and she’s here to talk about
her new book today so I’m not gonna spoil anything else welcome Denise tell
us a little bit about yourself and your new book
Hi barb thank you so much for
that great introduction happy to tell you about my new book so the book that I
wrote is called ‘Small Town Divorce: A Road Map Through Devastation, Despair, and Drama’
So as you can imagine going through well really anything in a small
town dynamic can add a lot of resistance and so you’re not just going through the
actual events you’ve got a lot of stuff coming at you other people write
judgements opinions criticism
Of course Their own thoughts their own beliefs
about it so I just felt it was really important not like just to tell my own
story about what I went through knowing that a lot of people would be able to
relate to that same dynamic absolutely I bet so the book where’s it at right now
can I walk into chapters and buy it not today not today
when can you that’s coming out about the summer July 2020 2020 okay so yeah quite
a year wait not quite a year away it’s actually been a really quick process and
that’s what I was just gonna ask it was it a quick process to write a book lay
it was how what happened was so my father was diagnosed with stage 4 lung
cancer and as his disease was progressing and he was deteriorating I
actually made a decision to move in with my parents to take care help take care
of my dad so it was such a blessing because I had so many opportunities to
have conversations with him about his why what he learned what he regrets you
know and one of the questions I asked him was is there something in life you
wish you had done that you didn’t okay and his answer was I’ve always wanted to
write a book and as soon as he said that it started something inside of me
because I too have always wanted to write a book like I knew exactly what it
was gonna be yeah but I knew I so I made a promise to my dad that I would write a
book that’s where this all started that’s where this all
but literally from that moment of saying that there was a sequence of events that
happened that led me to the company that I ended up writing the book with and
we’ve been a matter of weeks I started writing the book Wow a matter of week a
matter of weeks I actually stopped doing what I used to be a financial advisor
okay I actually stopped doing that started writing the book and went
full-on into my coaching business but then 3 mese oh ok yeah so how like how
did the story count like did it just pour out of you you hear often from
writers and authors but the story just pours out of you so to be completely
honest both yes and no there were times where it did write I’m gonna kind of
like where did that come from and I never thought I was gonna be saying that
and there was an absolute flow to it but then to be honest there were times where
it’s like oh I don’t know if I want to share that it felt very very very
personal it’s more subtle stuff right and you’re just sharing what you went
through what you were feeling how you were responding to the whole thing and
so those were times where I felt a little bit stuck there wasn’t a flow
there but I felt the stuckness was just that unwillingness to be that vulnerable
I would say it’s fear it’s absolute fear right and if I look back on it and and I
still probably could have been even more honest so the book really is as honest
as I could be in that moment and don’t be another book I’m imagining absolutely
yeah you know I think vulnerability is an interesting thing because I certainly
didn’t grow up hearing about the importance of vulnerability in fact
probably the opposite you stuffed it down you hid it you didn’t talk about it
you swept it under the carpet where now you know be vulnerable put yourself out
there and when I first started hearing that um I was working with an executive
coach and I I remember kind of looking at her and thinking what are you talking
about how do you do that what I mean be vulnerable right and another gentleman
said to me you have a dog and I was like yeah I have a dog he said when you come
home from work at the end of the day and you
walk over to your dog what does a dog do I said we’ll roll over for a belly rub
he’s like vulnerable the dog has made himself completely vulnerable to you he
trusts you great he’s saying hey mom’s home come rub my belly yeah I’m like
yeah okay but no I don’t want a stranger’s to rub my belly so well and
you know what’s coming to me is you’re saying this barb is living in a small
town is vulnerable in and of itself absolutely in every single moment right
because everybody knows you know your business gets out there right wrong good
or bad whatever it’s out there you know I start
my first chapter off I believe the very first quote that I put in my book yeah
living in a small town is like living in a glass house yes that doesn’t speak to
vulnerability I don’t know what does yeah and you know it’s a funny thing you
reference when you and I were talking earlier so a small town isn’t just a
small community it’s a group of co-workers it’s a social group anytime
you have that same group of people that you’re spending a quantity of time with
it becomes like a small town especially when there’s something you don’t want
others to know why is that so so if I have that secret and I don’t want
anybody to know how is it everybody ends up knowing anyway yeah well great
question great question you have a great answer for me well I don’t know if it’s
a great answer but here’s here’s my thoughts on it is part of it is we’re
conditioned it’s habitual conversation yes if he comes out a little Grieder
acceptable mm-hm it’s were programmed we’re conditioned to just talk about
other’s lives yes what they’re doing and it is also in my opinion when I’m
focused on your life Julie guess what I don’t have to look over a
sphere yeah my life what I’m doing and what’s going on for me so it’s almost
like a it’s like a medicine it’s like a pill that people taste
it’s a sedation mmm-hmm out of their own reality in their own life yes and I
think when when you talk about someone else’s problems and these are
not quite seem so bad exact rate and so oh did you see here did you hear what’s
happening like it’s way more exciting there are life exactly and that’s why I
want to use the word noise it’s a sedative if you don’t it allows you to
go to sleep yes in your own life what do you have stuff that you’ve got going on
that you don’t want to take a look at or that you don’t want to have to feel or
face yes but really my book is about my journey and what I was you know again
it’s kind of like a curse and a blessing at the same time because in a small town
you can’t afford to not do that self reflection I mean then you do get lost
in all of the chatter and all of the judgments right and for a period of time
I certainly did yes and in it it literally knocks you knocked me down to
the floor yeah absolutely couldn’t even function I didn’t want to go down to the
grocery store didn’t want to because people we’re talking maybe knew they
were talking right okay people people are talking then again whether they have
that information correct or not it that part doesn’t matter right yeah that part
doesn’t matter it’s that they’re talking and it’s not like the conversation is
about trying to help the other person lift them up or get them through it I
use this as an example it’s like so when my father passed away right and then I
also experienced a divorce so two very dramatic yeah life-changing events like
it’s just not gonna be the same after this right the the love the support the
outpour of care that I got when my father passed away was amazing mm-hm
but also completely opposite of what I received when I got it when I was going
through a divorce there wasn’t that curiosity of
understanding or it’s like you know what I don’t need to know it’s like I don’t
even need to know how your dad cut how he passed away or why he passed away
it’s just I just feel for you that you’re going through this it’s not a
divorce and other things like loss of a job or maybe there’s been a crime or
something happened people want the nitty-gritty they want the detail and
they lose focus of what must your experience be like what must you be
going through you know I I really feel for your experience right
so again I believe it’s that conditioning of we just want the nitty
gritty to take us away from our own you know that’s a really good point because
you’re right if somebody passes away and they’re 92 years old there’s no a lot of
question about what happened but when someone passes away when they’re 23 Oh
what happened and you know we’re looking to we’re looking to make sense of it in
our own mind and with something like divorce often what people are seeing is
I’m don’t say typical marriage at my team happy but a normal marriage and
then oh look I can happen to you well maybe it can happen to me in a wait a
second absolutely so then you you know it makes you wonder the people that are
talking is there also a fear inside of them that this could happen so if they
can make one or the other out to be the bad person the cheater the liar the you
know disconnected one the one that’s not afraid of living and and they just they
want to see it in black and white right so that that’s gonna make my life safe
that’ll make my relationship okay it happened for them because of this this
and this yes so now who it makes me okay over here and I’m like that’s an
illusion like you’re living in an illusion yes and you’re falling asleep
in your own relation your delight in your life yes exactly
okay so tell me about this transition it happened quickly it was three weeks you
woke up quit one job started a new one so tell me about the business and you
know besides writing a book you know how are you making all these pieces come
together mm-hmm so I’ve actually been a life coach for
12 years I’ve been a certified life coach so I’ve always done my coaching
but I’ve had something on the side right right so I’ve done it I’ve always wanted
this to just be my primary business okay okay but again there was some fear can i
really make a go of it you know can I be successful just as a coach so as a
financial advisor was a conflict of interest so I wasn’t able to do both so
that is why I had to like like severed this yarn to make a try has to make a
choice right and I have had to make this choice many many
times in my life okay and you know watching across this of my dad passing
away him reminded me of how fast time goes and how fast your life goes I
didn’t want to wait any longer yes it was actually a really easy
decision for me to make and what I’ve incorporated with my coaching so I do
personal coaching business coaching and I also incorporate public speaking as
well and other programs that I’ve added to my business it was almost like if
it’s own entity what I love about being an entrepreneur is that I get to feel
into the moment of what’s true and what are people meeting where Society at in
this moment it’s not like this I’ve made a mark and this is what I do and this is
how it’s gonna be right so you’re not just Denise the author you’re Denise
again the cheerleader the supporter right I mean I’ve never seen you in the
year or so I think that we’ve known each other I’ve never seen a moment where
you’re not like yes go for it you can do it so until it’s gonna do awesome right
like you’re just always Go Go Go rah rah rah what a bad way no I I dunno what
you’re saying and yes that’s definitely my mindset is that anything is
absolutely possible and that’s you know for me to get there it was a series of a
lot of different things that I’ve done in my own life working with this through
my own coaches my own business coaches that sort of thing right and it’s really
all about that mindset right oh it’s gonna say something okay well let me ask
you a question while you think on that okay so um speaker what you talked about
you know what it depends on where I’m speaking okay right because I can
basically kind of tailor my my my talks to whatever is going on for the group of
people that I’m addressing it all you know it stems from the book but again in
the book I cover a lot of different things I cover vulnerability I cover
judgments and criticisms of other people I cover changes going through changes in
life whether that’s death divorce a change of a job that sort of thing so it
really does depend on the group and what they’re needing so I want to serve them
as well so it’s not just I want to show up and just serve my
Triss yes how could we work together does that I can get my message out there
but Annie formatted for the people that you are your company or your business or
events of serving awesome so any speaking engagements coming here in
Regina that any of our listeners could attend yes so so far right now what I’ve
got on the calendar are some speaking events in libraries so I know next
Wednesday which I believe is the 23rd 2013 I will be in London at the library
in London and then I believe my other speaking gigs are going to be after that
in January so I’ve got quite a city books Grenfell Indianhead I’m contacting
Moose Jaw so I’m kind of making my rounds yeah exactly and you know when
you’re starting a business that’s what you need to do you need to knock on as
many doors as possible talk to as many people share your message and that’s how
you start to grow a business exactly exact and you know what going
through that experience in a small town has actually helped me to build the
muscle of vulnerability Oh as well right anything that we go through in life like
I always look for the lesson like what did I learn
and I always ask two questions what did I learn and who did I become you know
what did this allow me to become okay so you know stronger more independent yes
able to handle criticism you know be be able to handle drama that I need not
just for my personal life but also my business but in your business like
business right because the more you’re putting yourself out there the more
you’re talking or exposing yourself in the public you do open yourself up to
back absolutely that criticism not everybody’s gonna like your message yes
or your thought process or your own opinion or what what you’re sharing or
how you’re sharing it Yeah right exactly you’ve got to learn to manage that it’s
crucial as an entrepreneur yep and in your personal life you’ve got to be able
to manage to manage that and some of the one thing that I came up with is how to
manage a because people are always do you manage it that right so what was a
tip and I say this be honest brutally honest with yourself okay whether that
what that person has shared actually bothers you or not because what I’m
finding is there it’s the new agey thing to say you know
I don’t care what people say you know the subtle art of not giving an ass you
know very popular book so people walked around pretty sure I can swear he’s
gonna let it slip I know she’s gonna swear trying really hard not to but it’s
a new agey thing to say like I don’t care – what they think yeah but you
actually do absolutely so you’re running away from it and you’re not actually
facing that so you’re not actually dealing with it you’re not learning how
to deal with criticism you’re covering it up you’re lifting up the rug putting
it under the rug and covering it up but don’t we all have these like hugely
lumpy rugs at this point where you try and even walk across the rug and you’re
tripping on Tulsa’s so funny you know it’s so funny that you say that because
somebody asked me one time what do you do and I described it like this I said
I’m the carpet prefer upper I rip up people’s you like that under the carpet
you know another way I like to describe it is like let’s just talk about the
white elephant in the room in the room because it is that lump in the carpet
and it is the elephant in the room that is going to disconnect us yes how can we
connect how can you connect with anybody if you’re not addressing the things that
are actually coming in between us exactly right and vulnerability is that
big thing it’s like let’s be hundred let’s just speak the truth let’s just be
open let’s be honest and it’s it’s the thing that sets us free and it’s the
thing that scares us the most absolutely the thing that scares you the most is
you see is usually the thing that you need to most deal with and really the
conversations you don’t want to have with a friend with a spouse with your
kids those are the conversations that probably most need to be had however
they’re uncomfortable any hard yep and no one wants to it’s a hundred percent
and so that is what I do in my practice that is what I help people work through
right you have up against this block and it’s like what what you know what’s
going on it’s how do we get you on the other side of that wall how do we get
rid of those lumps because just covering them over just putting you know putting
your head in a sand or shoving something not under
the carpet great is not dealing with it and I can promise I don’t know my carpet vacuum it’s all gonna go away but that
doesn’t work here’s the thing I can promise you either you deal with it
today I think you start dealing with it now or it’ll just come up next week next
month next year or even ten years from now and it’s like Oprah always said this
it’s like we get that little hint from the universe it’s like first you just
get a little pebble then it’s a break then it’s the whole brick wall then it’s
a house like things just keep crumbling down and that to me is a universe saying
hey if I got your attention enough are you feeling this enough to finally say
hmm might be time to take a look at that and deal with it and that’s honestly the
people that come to me that’s that’s the place that they’re at it’s like you have
to be at a place where it’s like you know what because and some people aren’t
and I totally respect that right there there okay just take a few more steps
over that bumpy rug okay and they’re managing third they’re managing to the
degree that they feel like they’re managing it right because we got a lot
of interesting coping skills Oh Joely that are not always conducive to living
your greatest life yes absolutely we can stop things down and hide them and bury
them and find hiding spots and exact Void them and oh yeah so I do I have a
process and it’s a gentle process right because we are dealing with some really
tender issue Oh exactly really vulnerable spots so it’s like I have a I
say it’s a gentle process but that doesn’t mean you’re not gonna feel stuff
great right it doesn’t mean that like this is just a breeze and it’s it’s it’s
no big deal it is a big deal but you’re getting your life back you’re getting
you back yes you’re in some cases you’re finding yourself because we’ve had stuff
buried in there since we were little kids
right so I mean when we were kids we were told oh don’t worry about it oh
it’s not a big deal right if it’s a big deal to you it’s a big deal right right
so if you stuffed it down there here’s the thing it’s got to come back up right
and it’s just let’s just meet it create it say hello to it name it name it not
go to war with it it’s the other thing that people do
right they want to go to war with it they’re defending themselves or they’re
they’re protecting themselves so they’re attacking so you’re either on the
defence or you’re attacking neither way no matter if you hold up that shield or
point out your weapon you’re creating more right so you know I find that the
life coaching industry and interesting industry because it’s something that has
sprung up just in the last number of years 20 years ago 30 years ago we had
leadership coaches maybe had some executive coaches but the concept of a
life coach wasn’t something that I don’t think anyone had really heard of and now
there seems to be a significant number of life coaches so what do you think has
happened so that we have more life coaches now but but why and and where is
this going what what do you see from an industry standpoint that’s awesome so
I’ve had this question be asked in a number of ways and one thing that I like
to share is first and foremost in any industry in any line of business any
line of work you’ve got your your great dentists and ones that they’re not so
great okay you’ve got doctors that are really great they got great bedside
manners and then others mm-hm not so great yes it’s the same in the
coaching business right right you’ve got some coaches that are really great they
really make it an impact and others that that aren’t I’m so it’s like don’t throw
the baby out with the bathwater just because you maybe had a bad experience
right the other thing is I’ve had people ask me so as a life coach does that mean
like you tell me how to live my life like you have some sort of secret
formula
Mm-hmm
How do I live my life and it’s like no don’t let the title like Life Coach fool you
Got it
It’s not about I actually don’t give advice but I
Shared experience It’s not about advice it’s about shared
experience
Exactly and it’s more like an excavation process where I help you find your own trip
Mm-hmm within yourself Right
Which again then building up the
vulnerability to be able to share who you really are because right now right
we’re mostly conditioned
Yes Living from that what we’ve been told is right and wrong good and bad and how we should or shouldn’t be
Absolutely
Right so what’s happening and why I feel the industry is growing is because there is
a greater need out there there is a greater need for people to talk and work through that stuff
Okay
Because now it’s things are opening up more so it’s like
oh so I don’t have to like maybe I’m not heterosexual maybe I’m not happy in this
marriage maybe this line of work doesn’t work for me whereas before it was like
you just stick through it I don’t like it out of there if you’re happy this is
the way it’s supposed to be yes and if you don’t it means this so people are
breaking out of that paradigm
Absolutely So I believe why the industry is
growing is we’re going through a huge paradigm shift
Okay
And so coaches are helping to lead that wave of a shift
You know
and transition
That makes a lot of sense to me because if you think about even something like
employment people used to stay in the same job or the same employer for 30 and
35 years and not think twice about it now if you can get somebody to stay for
five or seven years you’re doing awesome most people are changing jobs two three
five years down the road there’s another opportunity there’s a little bit more
money and from an employer standpoint it’s difficult because the hiring
process is expensive but as humans like we’re meant to evolve and change and so
I can’t imagine having been with the same employer for 35 years yeah like I
can’t imagine it never mind folks like you and I who have what I might call a
micro business like we would have been you know non-existent 30 and 35 years ago
Exactly and that is what I love about the change in the industry is
because it is allowing more people to do what they absolutely love to do
Absolutely
Like just before this interview I was working with a client
and she’s like oh I don’t want to ruin your energy or whatever I said no what I
do enlivens me so when you’re doing what you love to do yeah
Mmm-mmm exactly
It does make you feel great That is fantastic well Denise if you can
believe it we are out of time
I was just getting going I promised her it was going to be the fastest half-hour of her life So at the beginning of the show today I promised that for everyone tuned in that Denise had a very special offer and so Denise
do you want to quickly explain it to everyone
Yes I want to be able to give
all of your listeners today a free copy of my book ‘Small Town Divorce’
Wow free copy
A free copy all they need to do How do they get it
Yeah all they need to do is go to my website www.DeniseAnderson.net
Okay do you want to spell that out Yes D-E-N-I-S-E Anderson A-N-D-E-R-S-O-N .net
Yes and what do I do when I get to your site There’s just gonna be a pop-up drop me your email address
Okay And your name and I will send you a book An electronic copy Yes
Very cool now for anyone who is interested in still loves
that touch and feel of a hardcopy book you said July of 2020
In bookstores yes but I will actually have a hard copy of my book in hand in
about four weeks Oh are you super excited
I really am I am
Oh I can just imagine it’s like Christmas comes early
It is and you know what I love
about it it’s like it started off as an idea in my head hmm and then when you
see the physical manifestation of a dream
Yes
Yeah there’s no better feeling yeah that’s what I love to do with people as well is
to take their dreams from their head into reality
Very cool well thank you so
much Denise wow what a story I cannot believe how quickly this half-hour went
literally I’m counting the seconds here so I’m going to be back on October 30th
with Janci Templeman from Walker Wakefield she’s gonna talk about some
really exciting projects happening here in Regina helping families find new life in new homes If you’d like to be a guest on the
show you can email me at [email protected] or reach back reach out on Facebook and Instagram @AbovetheFoldCanada Just a reminder you can always
ask questions in advance of the live show I’m your host Barb McGrath local
Business Owner and Google Girl remember you worked hard for your success
don’t keep it a secret Bye for now

1 thought on “Ep. 33 Secret Life of Entrepreneurs with Denise Anderson, Author, Divorce in a Small Town

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