Buying a Forbidden Pet


-footsteps running up to the door- Everyone! I got somethin’ I wanna show you– -flies buzzing- Oh ShIT So it’s really been that long, huh? Yeah, videos be takin’ longer than finishing soup with a fork nowadays But, on the bright side, you guys look like the best Halloween decorations right now! Give yourselves a pat on the back for waiting that long. You really coulda gone to Six Flags in the time, you know? … ..Looove you Okay, so BOOM A few weeks ago while I was working, I felt bored to oblivion, and thought.. “Fuck it! Why not just get an exotic pet? That’s what people do when they’re bored nowadays, right?” “Uh, NO.” That’s what privileged Impulsive Richy-rich PEOPLE do! Nobody just declares they’re bored, and pulls and eagle out their ass. See, that’s like wanting to take care of a crazy kid, cuz’ you got way too much time on your hands.” Yeah, but most people would adopt an eagle over a kid in a heartbeat. If it was legal. Still, this was all out of the blue. A few weeks ago, I suddenly realized life was too boring. Too dull. Too da*n mundane. So much, that it was criminal. I’m sure you all get the feeling. Some days you’ll just be sitting in an classroom or an office job, and this crisis would just come out of nowhere like, What the f*ck, I got like 80 something years on this earth? What am I doing sitting here with paperwork for? I should be.. I should be searching for One Piece I should go skydive off Mount. Everest, or hike into Area 51. Yeah! Yeah.. I’ll go do that. (BG: Hey, where are you going? Get back in your seat!) But god-damn, the rest of these sheeple need to wake up. My parents always told me I could get a dog someday. Someday. So with my brother, and a friend named Cheesesteak We went a few miles to go visit an exotic pet shop. Yeah, I coulda gone to a regular pet shop But get real! If you got choices, nobodies picking a dam fish! And plus, I was expecting something in there, like uh.. Like a shark! Or a hawk. Or even one of these things, you know? Something majestic. When I actually went inside, though.. There were just a bunch of disappointing pillow material. Nothing wrong with those, but I already have 2 chickens named Popeyes and Xenomorph2000. Not to mention, 2 parakeets named Pidgeotto and Piplup.(pokemon LIVES) And they don’t do squat but squawk their ass’s off in the morning. The lady in the store was trying to show us around the shop, So she put like 5 punk ass birds on her arm And they went to town on it, massacring her arm. She just stood there, and acted like nothing just happened. “You good? Are you okay?” “Yeah I lived.” “We should, uh.. We should really call an ambulance.” In the end, the only thing in the store that caught my eye was this ferret So I brought it to the cashier without thinking much of it. “Lady, how’d you get this? Aren’t ferrets illegal around here?” “Ha! You think anyone cares about that? Shit, people sneak em’ out all the time. This is America, FUCK the police. Who cares?” This pet shop lady had the confidence of a straight up gangsta with an A Which convinced me enough to buy it. As soon as my mom came home from work, She saw the ferret cage on the counter and she was like, “Uh uh. No. What’s that rat thing that just came out of the sewer, doing, in MY house? You better put that thing back in the trash it came from, like, now! Put it B A C K!” “But mom, this things so cool! I heard it even eats snakes.” “Please! You could get whatever pet you want after this, I promise! Just return this nasty thing!” Well, that was the cue. And so I agreed to return it the next day. Since we were allowed to get anything besides a ferret now, We decided to get a polar bear cub. “Wait, what the fuck?” “Yeah, I know, this is way better than a ferret” “Right, right… Okay. But where’d you get a polar bear cub from?” “Some guy gave her to me in front of a supermarket in Connecticut.” “I… I got nothing..” “Are you an undercover cop?” “Uh… No?” “Cause I’m just playin’, it’s a puppy.” If I can’t get a ferret in this state, Then I definitely get a lifetime sentence for sneaking a polar bear into my house. But I’m not gonna lie, it was kinda amusing seeing how many of you fell for this when I posted the picture on Twitter. What a bunch of bozos. So, then.. Everyone.. Meet Polar. The shiba inu, polar bear lookalike. You can already tell how smart she is. WOOF First things first. Coming up with a name for this dog was harder than calculus. My family came up with a few simple suggestions at first. “Alright! Important family meeting. We need a name for this dog.” My brother said, “Oh, you should name her Vampire y’know? Cause we got her during the blood moon?” “Okay, good good.. We’re heading in the right direction. But we need a name that just fits better.” “How about Poo Poo?” “Okay, now you’re going backwards.” “Bon Qui Qui?” “She not from the hood!” “Yiff Master!” “Next!” tHaNk U nExT My mom suggested, “Minus” “Why Minus?” “Cause she take my money, my time, my food, my furniture, my sanity, all minus!”(giant oof) (Jeez…) “Pops?” “D O G” You can just feel the love radiating from my family to this new pet. (Sarcasm) I was gonna name her “Puppet”, because now see.. This is a pretty clever name if you break it down. “Puppet”, because she’s literally a pup, that is also a pet. She is a girl pup, so like Bowser with Bowsette. (DON’T REMIND US) She’d be a pup. But puppette. (Poor doggo) Yes. I’m sorry for using that reference. Now lastly, I am her master, so SHE is my puppet. “Voila! Whatcha think?” “Okay, first of all that last reason will land you in jail, because PETA WILL find out! But like, I COULD expose you on Twitter right now, because.. really? You gave it a PINK bow? (Feminist) Are you a Neanderthal?(Yes) Gender stereotypes shouldn’t be influenced, ESPECIALLY during early age!” (It’s a dog ._.) “Yeah–” “Who knows? Maybe SHE wants to be a HE (( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)) You COULD be misgendering it, (In BG: I’m sorry I asked) and you’re just labeling her by her PHYSICAL body parts. (Puppette is offended) People like you nowadays are the reason that society can’t progress, (aRe U sUrE aBoUt Dat?) Can’t move forward! We coulda been living in 2095, WITH flying cars (I highly doubt it) But NO, we’re stuck with useless fold-able phones and air pods. AAAUGHH” (Peta PeepTumblristFeminist has a tantrum) So, in the end we mutually agreed that the name, “Polar”, was simple, and for the best. I gotta tell ya, the first time I got her The person who was the most hype, was my friend Juju Like look at this. REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE -clapping- I’ve had Polar for, about a month now You wanna know what this dogs favorite food is? My body parts. Within the first week I got her, She ate my hair, eyes, brains, limbs, kidneys, AND gave me 50 battle scars. No exaggeration. The first night she slept in my room, She cried every single hour. I really thought I was never gonna get sleep again. Was committing to this pup for 15 years a mistake? Fun fact! This right here is called the “Puppy Blues”, when owners regret buying their dog in the first place When they realize how much responsibility it’s gonna take to pay for the food, clean the shits, procrastinate even more by playing with the pup, and walking it every day at 6am in the morning. For Gods sake, that’s when I sleep! When I woke up, she broke close to everything in my room. Even cracked my phone for the (R.I.P Tabbes phone)first time. And I swear, that’s never happened in my LIFE. Moving her into the living room was less stressful for me, since there were no wires for her to bite on. The best way I could describe her now is a horror movie jumpscare.(oh SHIT) She shows up wherever I turn, Whenever I least expect it. And because of that, I trip on her often. “Oh SHIT! No, Polar.. Where’d you even come from?” She follows you everywhere. Even to the toilet. Which does become weird at times. The first few times, we just had a staring contest. But eventually, you just sorta get used to it. -singing- “So no one told you life was gonna be this waaay” Remember how I talked about living with rats in the last video? Well, When Polar first arrived, The rats were probably like “Oh no! What’s that? It’s like one of them guard animal things for house protection, right? Chuck, we’re really screwed now!” It’s the end game, boys and girls. A few days later, you know what I find? I find Polar stuck on a glue trap. “Polar! Those are supposed to be for the rats! You were supposed to be the chosen one.” “This is gonna be easier than we thought. We could use this mutt to get all the food we wa–” “Yeah, don’t think I don’t see you! I hear you! This dogs gonna eat you like chow someday!” Besides that whole rat situation, I still think she’s a smart dog. It hasn’t been long, but she already knows some tricks, like “Sit! Lay down! Roll Over. Fetch! Jump. Bark. Simba Pose.. Get high on seltzer. My favorite, The headbang. -rock music- For the most part, she understands the commands. Except, my dad has a heavy accent. So, whenever he tells Polar to “Sit down” She gets confused. “Shit. Shit! Shit!” Her energy levels are really no game, And she could probably run to the top of Mount. Everest with ease. In fact, I think I’ve grown enough gray hairs from all this play time. The whole first month, this dogs been hypnotizing me to spend time with her. If I needed to go somewhere without her, She gives me THOSE eyes. You know what eyes I’m talking about. She’s that one meme, where D.W. is behind the fence wishing she could be out there Guilt tripping you with that look. And I’d end up bringing her to the supermarket, or to the shoe store, PRAYING she doesn’t pee anywhere. -water splashing- “No! not the Yeezys!” “Uh… Yeah, that’s gonna cost you 2000 bucks!” Thankfully, that’s never happened yet. I brought her to the vet recently, and other people were also spell-binded by her. Giving her all this attention and asking all these questions. “Is that a fox?” “It’s a dog. A shiba inu.” “A what now?” “Shiba Inu.” “That’s uh.. That’s not the Chinese name or whatever it’s native land it’s from, right? Cause I never heard of it. What’s it American name?” “Shiba Inu. That’s the name.” “No, no. English name. What’s the ENGLISH name?” “Now, why are you saying it like that? Shiba Inu.” “So imma go ahead and assume it’s called ‘White Fox Bear'” -sniff- “Am I speaking another language? Do you know the Doge meme?” “The what now?” “You damn fossil! Gimme one second..” “Ohhhhhhhhh! Yeah! I’ve seen that! So what you’re tryna say is it’s a fox, right?” “BLEEP this BLEEP BLEEP I’m BLEEPing out.” You owe me 1% battery. So, if any of you plan to get one of these dogs Just know they’re hunting dogs, escape artists, rebels, and have 10 times the energy than someone who drank a whole pack of monsters. Just lookin’ out.

100 thoughts on “Buying a Forbidden Pet

  1. You really think that I didn't see that sans head aw hell naw I live in a frigging sans hoodie it's almost midnight an I'm still wearing it

  2. I had two raccoons when i was little, chui, and poki they were the smartest pets i ever had. I even taught them to recognize what money looks like and they'd bring it to me. Sadly they died when I was 12 and I've never been as close witb a pet since.

  3. my mom drinks a whole pack of monsters and she still doesnt have energy [tbh i think its because she is lazy and has to put up with a 3 year old and 7 month old 24/7]

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