3 Key Parenting Essentials

parenting is tough even under the best of situations and conditions it gets even tougher if their problems going on between mom and dad we want to talk about three parenting essentials that apply to every parent no matter what your situation but we'll be talking a lot about in the context of what if mom and dad really are having such serious problems how does it work in those situations you see we at marriage helper and by the way let me introduce myself I'm dr. Joe be with marriage helper and we do many videos about relationships and if you want to be on the list to know when you has come out just click that subscribe down below but we have this marriage workshop we do that is three intensive days and sometimes people come to the workshop not because they want to make the marriage work they actually really want out but they have been told hey if we go to this workshop even though they talked about it in the context of marriage we're going to learn some really important things about parenting and we really need to know that because we may wind up split up and indeed it's true I understand it as a marriage workshop but in that workshop every principle we talk about when it comes to relationships applies directly back to parenting and if you were to come for example to that workshop you'd get that I have with me today Aaron hood who was one of our client representatives here in marriage helper thanks for being with us today thanks for having me now not only does she work with us here at marriage helper but you and your husband actually went through our three-day workshop for marriages but in that workshop which you did to make your man's better because you're having some troubles you learned some really important things about parenting now let me give you a little bit of background about Aaron sort of understand when we met Aaron she was in her second marriage the first marriage was over and when she went into the second marriage she went in with children from the first marriage and that became some of the obstacle is that right yes and what kind of problems just very quickly and generally just some little parenting maybe not seeing eye to eye with just different ways that I wanted to parent and I was parenting more out of fear out of protection out of not not healthy parenting and my husband saw he saw that and you know all the principles that that we're gonna talk about in just a second were huge it changed my life changed the way I parented and really showed me that my husband was right nobody thinking oh my goodness I can't ever go to your shop because I thought that my husband was right but but the thing is that what you came for your marriage yes but in the workshop learned a lot about how to be a better parent yes and sometimes when people come like I have no intention I have no desire to save my marriage but I'll come to your workshop because they're gonna help me parent our response to that would be absolutely come the biggest breakdown was communication first let's talk about the three things if I may then because while we could have air and talk about all kinds of things happening in our workshop and how it helped her when it came to parenting we're going to talk about three and I asked her to choose the three that had the most impact on you and the way you interacted with your children which also were great marriage principals with you in Dale your husband so stay with me here a lot of really good principles but three essentials we talked about and the first one had to do with the concept when we talk about called the wall okay now give me just 10 more seconds if I made to explain the wall and then I want to ask you questions about that when we talk about the wall in the workshop and we spend about an hour so don't think we can explain it all here but it has to do with the fact that when people fear that you're going to reject them they tend to build this imaginary wall and hide the real cells behind it it's because I think maybe you won't accept what I think what I feel what I believe what I do and so I'll pretend to be a person that you can accept but I really want you to love me as I am and when we talk about that and again we talk about it in much more detail in the workshop when we talk about that we talked about the fact then if we can get people to take bricks off the wall and the doors show us who they really are then they feel more loved now how did that apply to you in parenting well for me I just I've recognized that not only was I doing some of those things that you talked about in the wall like putting bricks up and things like that because I didn't feel understood in the marriage because of where I had come from the protection that I was trying to give you know to my children I also realized that my kids were putting putting bricks up and I know words hiding their real hiding their real exactly because there's a lot of fear that kids feel when when their parents fuss fight argue split up you know all of that stuff and I was negligent not on purpose but because I had the lack of knowledge of what I was seeing of what they were doing and so when I went through the workshop I realized that if I didn't start talking to my children differently and learning how to kind of break that wall down that they had created that they were probably going to end up in relationships putting walls up or you know where they would hide there where they would watch who they really were and and just really creating a safe place for them for but and it's so important for both parents to do that right know in a situation like yours and again we met after you are in the second marriage in a situation like yours that's actually three people involved here your former husband who is still a biological father the man you're now married to and you that while you can't control what either of those two guys do you are certainly hoped to and of course Dale being in the workshop with you guys right now yes like hmm okay our kids probably have some emotions they're afraid to share right now because they're afraid they will reject them they have some things they think some things they believe and so one of the principles you got was okay I'm gonna learn how to allow them to be who they are talk to me be there and and to just maybe sometimes I need to step back and pay attention to them a little bit more then being consumed in you know my hurt in my pain you know and recognized and that kinda leaves us for the second thing you said you picked three out of the many things we talked about in the workshop and the second one is what's called an attachment style just so you understand again we talked about this a lot longer and more comprehensively in the workshop but it has to do with the fact that a kid particularly if if when they need emotional support they most always get it they actually develop in life one way if it's 5050 like you may give me emotional support when I need it and you may not then they actually develop in a different pathway or if they become convinced when I have an emotional lead you're not gonna fulfill it you're just not going to be there for me they actually develop in a different way now in the workshop we talked about the research about that and how that winds up putting you in one of four quadrants based on a measurement that's done psychologically and in the workshop talking about marriage we talked about we need you to understand how your previous relationships particularly in childhood with your parents affected how you are interacting with your spouse's today so that's what we talked about it in the workshop self-knowledge but what you gained from that which makes all the sense in the world is oh my goodness what's that doing to my what is this do into my kids what what is what they lived through before I had any of this knowledge what quadrant are they in and how can I help them to be more secure and and and find that secure place with with the circumstances that they were dealt okay which were unfortunate under okay but secure that's the key word here will you be here for me when I need you so the first part we talked about that wall kind of thing is can you love me as I am which is all kids worry about then and you said oh I'll begin to realize I'm not letting them be who they are because you were trying to protect them from pain right Thanks yeah and that ultimately that's what every parent not every parent but there's typically a parent that's hurting for their self they're hurting for the kid and they they tend to do things they think's right yeah I'm protecting my children when in actuality without meaning to you were kind of and getting them to wall up against you and there's a second part of this thing oh wait a minute they have emotional needs and if I'm not fulfilling those when they need them it's gonna affect the path through which they go for the rest of their lives but when a person's in their own pain and they're kind of hard to be sensitive to the pain of those or the emotional needs I should say hooked up the children that are there yep it does um you know in a sense when we're when we're hurting or when we're angry think about it when you're angry when someone you mad or does things to push your buttons it affects the next person that you're in line with or in contact with or and it can make you mean if you'll while I'm gonna use this word I don't mean to sound accusatory toward you because it's applicable to all of us but it makes you kind of self-centered I was I was going to use the word selfish okay I didn't know because you know we all have we're human we all have selfish ways and selfish tendencies and you just you just there's so there's so much to think about when with your with your kids and honestly it's so much easier when both parents are on board and have the knowledge with whatever the outcome is whether they've got a really good marriage or a marriage that's almost in the toilet or even if a marriage has ended it becomes important and so while we were talking about relationships and marries in that section you were picking up wow this is the way I should do with my children and that became a way that actually influenced the way you do with your children it changed the way I parented some of that that self-centered stuff that anger you mentioned that that was the third thing you said that was an apparent thing essential is how do I deal with my anger without affecting my kids and depend bad ways right yes and you know anger for me was more what I the lack of what my children were getting do you understand what I'm saying we're not we're not trying to throw your ex I'm little but no no not at all but it's you know being the primary parent living through a lot of these things that you just first hand the primary parent gets you do tend to get angry at the lack of things that maybe the the other parents not seeing they're not they're not aware and going through the workshop just it brings awareness at so many levels okay did you get the impression of the workshop we were saying you shouldn't be angry no we never said that denied you have a right to be right it's how to handle it how to manage it what to do with that anger and not just the anger you feel toward your current spouse or your spouse whatever with Inger you kind of feel toward life right and sometimes anger you feel toward your own self and that can be manifested without even realizing it to your kids can it yeah because you know we're all in situations at one point in time or another where you're just like why am I here how did this happen to me and I'm mad about it this is not the way that I wanted my life to go whether whether it's about your relation relationships you're in or marriage or whatever and so if you're frustrated with the other parent the other biological parent how does that wind up affecting your kids when they become aware of that frustration and or / anger it hurts them and why does that hurt them it hurts them because they they don't know they don't know what to do with that you know they love you just as much as they love the other parent and when you're angry it just it it it creates more than likely it probably creates a brick they don't know what to do they don't know how to comfort you and say so if I know you're mad at dad I'm afraid to tell you that I love dad yep so there goes a break there goes a brick and I'm gonna I'm gonna you know and as parents when when when you do split and there are kids involved there's so much to learn like like truly your focus really needs to be on the kids know without neglecting you I know that's a hard balance to do but you're right I mean these are people that you love and as we said earlier nearly every principal we talked about in our workshop is equally applicable to parenting it is to relationship like with the husband or wife and so we don't fly under false colors it's not a parenting workshop we will at some day we will have a parent can workshop because Aaron's gonna kill me if we don't that's right this is he's adamant that's gonna happen and I'm afraid of her so we're gonna do that but right now if people come to the workshop that is for marriages it really can be a great parenting workshop if they don't want the marriage to make it right absolutely okay like absolutely I'm very passionate about that so why don't you come to work with us I came to work for marriage helper because of how much marriage helper helped me and changed my life in the way that I parent and under standing my children understanding their hurt understanding their pain and how to deal with it okay so you're not saying it didn't help you and Dale but you're saying the thing that really touches your heart is what happens for the kids ya know it definitely changed the dynamic of my marriage as well it opened my eyes up to can we call it baggage baggage maybe feelings that I didn't feel like were understood that the communication like it it hindered our communication because I felt like I wasn't being understood and all he wanted to do was help and so we came to the to the workshop it definitely changed the dynamic of our marriage in good ways oh and absolutely good ways we have the best marriage but ultimately it changed the way that I parented and helped me understand what my children went through and how I can change and be there for them in a different way to hopefully change the outcome of their relationships in the future you see Erin is a client representative what that means is if you call here and say tell me what you offer that can help me with the particular situation I'm facing that's what she does all day long which can be a pretty frustrating job in and of itself because you hear pain all day long and we care and because we care that hurts but what I heard you saying and I guess is still true is the thing to get you up and get you on the phone and all kind of thing doing that kind of thing is because of your heart for the kids for the kids 100% awesome if you would like to talk to here and she's one of our client representatives we have several you call our number eight six six nine zero three zero nine nine zero you can see that on your screen and if you call I want to talk to this lady because you see her personality you see her heart and she's happy to work with you of course we have many others but if you just call and say can somebody give me information you'll wind up with some of our people and they're all great they're all great but if you want to talk to this one then you ask for her by name her name is Erin thank you for watching this please subscribe below and check out all our other videos here on YouTube about relationships until then until then being the next time we actually talk to you this is dr. Joe beam saying have a great life

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